Offdashoulda

Check-in one month b4 3month goal.

2011-12-12T08:49:00.000-08:00

And... here I am again!

My internet was fowl and not working for two weeks so i haven't really been able to update. I was thinking of back tracking...but i ain't got time to do that! So i'll move forward.

This year in October I wrote out a 6 month plan to push myself into full gear in pursuing a music career. By January, i will be hitting my 3 month mark and i have some goals that i want to reach.

1. Creating an Online Artist Profile

2. Releasing 5 songs on the profile

3. Losing 20lbs

4. New wardrobe and small photoshoot to put on profile

etc.

I have been doing pretty good. My main focus has been on finding my sound, what kind of songs i want to write and what my message is going to be through my artistry.

I still feel very small. Like I am a small tiny tiny dot in the realm of amazing and struggling performing artists. But the stars say now is the time to dream big and go for it. So i'm giving myself this next year to realize a dream lost.

As I gain up to my four weeks i'm anticipating that I will feel rushed. But i don't want that. i want to take time to really make sure I feel happy sharing my talent in the right way by the right platform.

Right now i'm thinking about what i will call myself. i'd like to add to my goals by January that I will have a name that I feel very confident about to put out there.

So folks.. let the games begin! And if you are interested in following my journey... you can click the "Artist BOOTcamp" label where I will be journaling my journey.

Under "songbyrd" label I will have offdashoulda comments and possibly some videos and music samples of my work.

stay tuned!

Last Week's Work-out Log

2011-11-28T08:51:00.000-08:00

Monday, 11.28 - 60min Core Fusion Open: I took Ms. Kat Steers class. She is a former rockette and a lot of her moves were very unique. I sweated a lot in this class, however I felt like I got through it well enough and the hour flew by. I almost feel like I could sneak in another workout today if I had the time. Today I am feeling good as i am starting off the week well with a workout. I've got the upcoming show to keep me motivated. I had to do some shopping today and that as usual was still a bit of a bummer. As I found out with the workouts i've been doing, I haven't gone down a dress size. It's still hard for me to fit a 14! I think about the pictures that I took this summer and I get down cause I don't like them and I just feel like i look so fat. Because then it was still hard for me to fit a 14, I am battling with the thoughts that all of these workouts have done nothing. I'm battling with it, because I know deep down that I feel stronger and I can feel that my body shape is transforming. But most people celebrate weight-loss with a drop on the scale or being able to fit into a size smaller--> none of which I can do at the moment. But, I will fight to see that what i've been able to do these past few months is a true accomplishment. And its a true prophecy on what i'll be able to accomplish in the next few months. I'm going to keep my head up high and keep adding on the notches of workouts. With more focus on my diet, I know i'll get even better results.

THE 80/20 Rule

2011-11-28T04:28:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I read in a health and fitness magazine about balancing food and fitness. What really made my eyes pop out is that the experts say that EATING is everything when it comes to your weight loss. Eating consists of 80% of weight loss, while working out is 20%. What they say is that working out is for burning calories and for maintaining weight, toning the body, but if I want to lose the fat..i've got to get on healthier eating habits.

Lately its been a struggle across the board, but I am in good hopes as it is still early this week and I have the whole week to make it worth my while. Since I've been on a workout regimen for the past 2 or so months..i'm okay with this. I know what works for me..its just about me doing it.

But eating, is the hardest part and I am now beginning this next stage in my journey where my eating is going to have to be focused on. I have decided to follow along with the beautiful brown baby doll winter weight-loss challenge. I have found that support through this journey will be THE only way to weightloss success.

My Fitness plan this winter is to maintain 3-4 workouts a week.

My eating plan is to journal and record my eating as I have done with my workouts for the next 2 months.

I will be focused on....

1. Eating Breakfast everyday
2. Including more fruits and veggies in my meals
3. Cutting down carbs

*************

I have decided that I will be following her challenge. Although I have already started my journey a few months ago, this is another stage that I am entering in. And to stay consistent and add more challenge to my eating, I am going to need that support. So with every video she posts, i will post here to keep as a check-in/support time.

Last Week's Workout Log

2011-11-27T17:17:00.000-08:00

Monday, November 7th - 60min of Kenpox - BACK ON TRACK.

Friday, November 11th - 50min of CF dvd thighs and glutes - work it. I am still in this game. i'm not going to let go of my dreams. Its been a rough 2 weeks, but i've still got my eyes on the prize. I have one more day to get in 3 workouts. November 15th is my internal "artist bootcamp" check-in. I'll finally do a weigh-in then.

Saturday, November 12 - 15min of Ab Ripper X - got in 15min worth of a great ab exercise!

****************

Monday, November 21 - 15min Ab Ripper X and 10min of YogaX - you gotta get it in where you can fit it in! Since i'm pushing my self to get back into gear the only thing i told myself today with this work out is to show up... do what you can and breathe.

Friday, November 25 - 60min Core Fusion Open Class - this was a great class. although I can't help to call myself out for not getting my workouts in. I just dred the pain! But no pain no gain. What is most apparent to me is when I do work out on a regular basis, I have a clearer confident mindset. When I lose out on my workouts I can def feel insecurities coming back. I experienced this about a month ago when I slowed down on my workouts then and i'm feeling it now. Its all about the journey and finding my pace and consistency..I just want to get back on track and move forward.

Of Course i'm interested.

2011-11-16T12:51:00.000-08:00

one of my favorite youtubers is doing a weight loss challenge for the next 2 months. BUT i'm hesitant to join because....WELL HOW MANY WEIGHT LOSS CHALLENGES HAVE I JOINED BEFORE AND NOT COMPLETED? i just don't want to again fail at a challenge. I got till the 27th to think about it..so i'll do that.. think about it.

dear taurus

2011-11-11T22:20:00.000-08:00

As the song goes, "You've got the power," dear Taurus,

and all it will take for you to succeed is belief in your talents, intelligence, and resourcefulness.

-susan miller

Update on MY HAIR W/pictures

2011-11-11T18:32:00.001-08:00

I haven't blogged about my hair in a while. I've been doing okay with it. Keeping to a regimen of washing at

least once a week. Sometimes 2x for a deep condition. The dryness of my hair has really improved. And the days when it turns out to be extra extra dry, I

now know what products or routine i need to do.

I'm lovin' coconut oil. This is me doing a coconut oil deep condition. The texture of my hair is just so much better with coconut oil. Its a staple. I have to always have a good supply from now on. :)

I relaxed my hair on Oct. 8th. (sigh) i'm still not completely skilled at this process as I only do it ever so often. I miss areas and recently I have been getting burned. So i've got to really learn to take my time and be patient. I'll have to relax in 8 weeks as a corrective relaxer.

My ends are doing better. I've had ends issues my whole journey. My recent trimming this summer with Abby really got my ends at a good level. Now i've just got to be more dedicated on dusting. (Only on new moons tho!) lol.

This is my hair yesterday after putting in Africa's Organic Olive Oil and Coconut Oil. I love this look because it gives that wet hair look and i like this on me. I've just got to learn how to work it so it looks more polished.

I looove my banana clip. It works better on me for styling reasons rather than just a simple scrunchie. HOWEVER, I think my banana clips are breaking my hair! So i've got to figure out what I'm going to do about this. As you see in my 1st relaxer pic, the top layer of my back hair is significantly shorter. I've had this problem my whole journey and its following me! How do I fix the breakage issue without throwing out my banana clips? This is the new challenge for me!

Whats next for my hair? Continue what I'M doing. I have a decent regimen. I want to solve this breakage issue and I want to continue growing my hair. I'm also looking to find styles that really work for me. This is in addition to my "artist bootcamp" as I learn how to style myself and my hair for the stage.

THE PROCESS

2011-11-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

"There is a process to success. We much each figure out what that process is for our own life."

-Oprah

Thank you Oprah. (breathe)

I am amazed at how this year has turned for me. I sometimes wonder about the past 4-5 years, where i feel like i FUCKED up. i should have been doing this... and i should have been doing that... But its time now to recognize that I cannot change what has happened but accept it as apart of my process AND my path. And this path is truly unique compared to any one else's because it is mine. This year, I've had the eye opener that I would not have if I had not come down the path I had. So, its all good.

This year, I am seeing the potential that I have to change MY own life.

And this is what has been holding me down for so long... the lack of not understanding this. And now that My dream has been fully realized. (Or...remembered.) I am now on the journey to reach it. I have found a new passion and love adding to the depth of my musical knowledge and background. Learning to write to my own rhythm and music, learning to push myself to go to a core fusion class, learning to listen to my partner, learning to be available to my family... I am re-shaping my life and it feels unbelievable. I have faith that i will be able to achieve what I want. The only thing that is keeping me back ....is ME.

Last Week's Workout Log!

2011-11-07T10:00:00.000-08:00

The last week of Oct, I had a week and a half hiatus of working out.

And i have been going through a lot with the family, including a recent death. Tragedies that are unexpected can really throw you off. So I decided not to guilt-trip myself about missing almost a week and a half..instead...i just pushed myself to get back in.

Wednesday. Nov. 2nd - Core Fusion Open w/Jeannine - taking Jeannine's class again and as always I really do love her teaching style. Its hard work, but she has such a pleasant energy. I am really starting to feel the results of my hard work up to this moment..even with a week off. During my week i enjoyed feeling the extra energy i had. And it is fun feeling my new body and the changes that it is going through. i had major anxiety before this class--similar to how it was for me in the beginning. But I pushed myself to do it and as always I feel so good about myself for accomplishing another workout! Another notch up towards my goal.

thats it. thats all i could get in.

numerology : the #22

2011-10-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

Your strengths

You have great potential as a leader, organizer, or builder of an institution or business. You have a vision and the capability to materialize it. You possess the capacity for great strength, but conversely you can be deeply afraid of the dimensions of your ambitions.

Your have unusual perception. Your intuition is very good and you should rely on your first impressions. You are both practical and idealistic. You tend to want to ground your ideals in realistic methods. You are not one to indulge too much in grandiose plans for their own sake. You have enormous potential for success. Many who have left a permanent stamp on humanity -- inventors, Nobel Prize winners, leading artists and statesmen -- have had the 22 prominent in their charts.

Your challenges

You may secretly feel that nothing will measure up to your original dream. Consequently, you can turn away from your ambitions. This can result in enormous disappointment to you should you sacrifice your dream because of fear of failure.

Your challenge is to be willing to start your enterprise small and take practical steps toward enlarging it to its full scope. You have a gift for seeing both the details of a plan and how it should unfold. You are orderly and patient. You can approach a problem methodically and systematically. Your solutions tend to be unique. You keep your own counsel and have much inner strength. Conversely, you can be nervous and suffer grave doubts about yourself, which you also tend to hide.

You can be nervous and even given to paranoia, especially when your nerves become frayed or your imagination runs out of control.

big belly blues

2011-10-27T23:31:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to do any workouts this week... but I won't let my circumstance bring me down!

I still have Friday and Saturday and I'll get them workouts in baby!

But what has been plaguing me is my big belly. Which doesn't seem to want to let up. I am recognizing that my weekly workout log has helped me to stay pretty consistent in working out..so i'm keeeping it going. But, working out...obviously...is not the only way i am going to lose weight, get healthy and get the body that I want.

I have got to focus on my eating. Watching Dr. Oz today, I realized that I can start by focusing on

1. Low Carbs & Decreasing my Stress

and

2. Low dairy and caffeine

Last Week's Workout Log!

2011-10-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Sunday, Oct. 16 - 60min of kenpoX & 4min Kardashian butt workout - kenpo does it for me everytime. it helps the aggression push out of me and put it into physicality. My weight loss journey is turning a corner now. We started off well but now we are in the meat of things. Pushing myself to keep going and avoid a plateau, focusing on my eating habits, and bringing up the emotional settings that make me overeat in the first place. this is where i am now..and its gonna get bumpy. thanks to kenpox..i can drain myself of the heavy energy.

Monday, Oct. 17 - 50min of Core Fusion Cardio - Yes. This class was hard as hell! but it was just the workout I needed. Cardio workouts are by far harder for me to get through.. but its what I need. two so far this week..gooo goo team!

Thursday, Oct. 20 - 50min of YogaX & 4min Kardashian butt workout - i've noticed about myself that it is always hard to get back into a workout after 2 days of rest. i think it would be best for me on this journey to keep it to a day of rest and get back in on the next day. Yoga was hard, but not as hard as last time. I feel I am getting stronger. i've only been able to do about 45min of it. Today I did 50..next time i'll keep it to 50 or try to bump it to 55min. Kardashian workout..is always hard..but i can feel that i am stronger than the 1st time i ever tried it.

melanie fiona - you stop my heart.

2011-10-18T04:00:00.000-07:00

Last Week's Workout log

2011-10-15T13:15:00.000-07:00

Monday, Oct. 10 60 min of P90X Back & Biceps - This was the perfect workout for a day like today. I am tired from an early morning shift and feeling slightly sluggish. I really am fighting to push myself just to get up and do the workout, but i did. It wasn't as challenging because I don't have the right tools, I need to get heavier weights and different resistance bands. This was by far the least challenging workout I have done btw. Here are my stats from the workout..whenever i do p90x strength, I will be writing down my stats from now on...its good to do this to see how your progress is going. (pull ups on resistance - 10, lawnmowers - 5lb weights 16 reps too light, biceps - 21 reps 5lb weights too light, cross body biceps - resistance 15 reps, outside lawnmover - 15 reps, standing biceps -15 reps resistance)

Tuesday, Oct. 11 60min Core Fusion with Jeannine - this class was hard. I was not happy with myself cause i felt so tired I couldn't concentrate on the gluteal set, which is my favorite section. i think this might simply be a lack of nutrition and energy. must continue to get better with my eating.

Saturday, Oct. 15, 30min of Core Fusion Boot Camp - I missed out again on my 4th workout. But its alright. i'm feeling great about my ability to keep going. This is when these workout logs really work for me.. because i HAVE to hold myself accountable. this workout had me drenched in sweat..even for a 30min workout. yessss

stuck

2011-10-11T22:29:00.000-07:00

feeling stuck today. Feeling stumped. like i'm not going any where and i'm going in circles. I think its my ego telling me whats stirring inside. I want to blame it on my circumstances...its not written in the stars for me a star player. So do I just do whats given to me and let go of my dreams?

I want to be everything I can possibly dream I can be and eat my cake with it too. But i'm just a dreamer...

Last Week's Workout Log

2011-10-08T18:03:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, Oct. 4th - Core Fusion Open Class w/Karen - good workout. The gluteal workout with Karen literally kicked my ass. I def have to take her class just because i haven't had that much work in my butt before and thats what i'm looking for!!

Thursday, Oct. 6th - 20min of arms and stretching with cf dvd. I have been going to my mother's house and working out with my sis and mom. However, they weren't in the mood for a full workout so we just covered some arm work. its hard to motivate people and get my workout in too. Gotta make sure that even if others aren't willing to fight, it won't pull me out of what i need to do. Cause i am still in the beginning of my own journey.

Saturday, Oct. 8th - 60min of mix of core fusion dvds. I was feeling a little down about not getting in my workouts this week. The last two weeks have been a bit of a drag pushing myself beyond what I have been doing. I think this is the point where I can fall off, get bored and go back to doing nothing. So I am proud of myself for forcing myself to do this workout today. Yesterday was my 1st life coaching session. I am getting the help that i need to go stay the course. I believe in myself that i CAN get this weight off. Today, I did a mix of the core fusion bootcamp dvd and thighs and glutes work. I did sweat out a lot. I actually feel accomplished that i pushed myself to end the week off right. I am feeling positive about continuing my fitness journey.

Words of Wisdom by Cainer

2011-10-03T07:28:00.000-07:00

"...But resign yourself to the fact that, if you really want something to happen, you’re going to have to put in a lot of steady, disciplined effort. Treat everyone around you with kindness and compassion now, even if you secretly feel like strangling certain awkward individuals. Try to understand their point of view, even if you do not agree with it. Act as if you quietly yet confidently expect everything to go your way and, eventually’ it just may! " -J. Cainer

Last Week's Workout Log!

2011-10-01T19:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 9.27 30min of Mix it Up! From the Slim in 6 series - yeh today I was aching to get into a workout cause i had not worked out for 3 days!! yikes. I could feel the exhiliration from finally getting in the workout but i just could not concentrate. My mind was focused on other things.. how dirty my house was, the fact that my legs were itching..lol, and just insecurity upon insecurity. i find that when i have days that i don't work out.. my insecurities start to grow and grow making me unable to focus on my tasks and present moment. going 3 days without working out showed how incredibly strong my insecurities can grow. I am so focused on my big belly right now and all i'm thinking is... this workout can't fix this belly of mines! ...Similar to how i was feeling when I first started working out on a regular basis. This weightloss journey is hard. It reminds me to be patient with myself and to really just stay the course. However, I could not fight off the deep horrible feelings that were plaguing me today. I hope tomorrow will be a better day.

Wednesday 9.28 30min of CF Cardio dvd/30min of CF Thighs & Glutes - I feel like i've been taking it easy this week. The cardio dvd was hard but i COULD only do 30min of it. And i was able to squeeze in a lower body workout at the end of the day. But, i didn't feel like i challenged myself enough.

Thursday 9.29 60min Core Fusion Open Class - I took barbara's class. Her class was good and i really felt my upper thighs working. I also tried a few push-ups on straight legs instead of just on the thighs and I surprised myself that i could do a few! I still have a lower-back issue when we do standing gluteal work. I think its a mix of weak muscles and bad technique so i've gotta work on it.

Saturday 10.1 60min Kenpox and 4min butt workout - I love love love kenpox. it is always hard for me to get into the workout at first cause i dread cardio. But once we get to the kicks..i'm so focused and kicking ass. I could only get in 30min today cause i have to get on with my day. I also added the 4min kim kardashian butt workout. My bf wants me to do these everyday...i'll try but this workout for 4min is hard as hell!! But..i gotta that booty right. nah mean? lol!--> I actually got in another 30min of Kenpo at night...go me!

Biggest LOSER Inspiration & my weigh-in

2011-09-27T22:17:00.000-07:00

Ali weighs in at 122..which is my target goal weight. :)

BIGGEST LOSER IS BACK THIS SEASON!

And I just simply love this show!

Since I am working out alongside the contestants this season.. i am looking forward to my Biggest Loser weigh-in. Where i'll weigh myself in on the same night as the finale!

So 4 weeks into my journey, I make my before Weigh-in for my biggest loser challenge.. it is..

Tower of Babble

2011-09-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

Working out is giving me courage. Courage to go further.

To break through the discomfort. To finally be aware of what triggers me. To experience the feelings that are not pleasant. I have truly REALLY begun this journey and it is what

it is...my journey.

I am finding now that i have been working out that I love the shape of my body. I love how my muscles are feeling. It is rewarding to simply walk down the street because i can feel that my body feels more energized and can move with a little more umph!!

However, today I experienced some not so great things. Some not so great feelings.

During my workout... i could feel myself wanting to just stop.

.and sit and wallow on the couch. I felt like that would be more comfortable than standing here in the middle of the room, sweating my ass off and not ending my workout with the best body i've ever had. Meaning... I couldn't see what the benefit of my workout was. I could only feel and see my big fat belly that is not going away!!

My mind is against me right now, because it is only focusing on the negative things. And I am struggling with fighting it.

I'm starting to recognize that it is now necessary for me to move into the next stage of this journey and it is facing my insecurities. I've got to find a way to channel them.. so that I won't turn to food to make me feel better. So that i won't quit and sit on the couch and just dream of the body that i want. --> which are all temptations for me! crazy huh. Insecurities are powerful. They can make you do the opposite of what they yearn for you to have. Its weird. And its powerful. And as I am now going to add conscious and healthier eating to my everyday routine, I need to get to the bottom of these negative feelings. stay tuned..for i'm sure there will be more to come.

Last Week's Workout Log

2011-09-25T18:54:00.000-07:00

Sunday, 9.18 - 60min of KenpoX - I actually did this workout with the bf and it was sooo much fun! The time flew by. I really love this workout. It helps me to get my aggression out and it is so much fun with the more you sweat. Sometimes I imagine I am an action hero kicking ass. This day, I imagined a lady who caused much havoc in my dreams. No literally, she was a person from my dreams who came in and took my man!lolz I guess you can call it a nightmare. Well I sure did lay the smackdown on her!...(in my head of course). Call me weird but shit...I was worked out after using that as motivation.

Tuesday, 9.20 - 60min of Core Fusion Sport! - Heyyy, i'm getting in that cardio! Who knew? I had a tough tough time getting myself motivated for this class. In fact, i don't think motivation ever came to greet me until after the class was over. But, I got through it. I am realizing now how hard it is to keep going. Sometimes you really have to just show up.

Wednesday, 9.21 - 60min of Core Fusion Basic - This was Tyler's class. And next to Catherine's class he is by far my favorite. He diversifies the moves and so it keeps me intrigued and going. He focuses on posture and stretching and it makes me feel better about the body that i am shaping. A lot of the other teachers would just force you through the movements, but he does not. He really focuses in the body alignment. It was a tough class but I felt like I really got a fantastic workout. I feel the differences that are shaping in my body. I want to get back into yoga and cardio classes because i REALLY liked how it shaped my arms. The core fusion workouts seem to plump them up more. I prefer the results that i got from yoga.

--- look at me! I am able to really compare exercises and I can shape my workouts to get the exact body shape that i desire. i'm feeling really good about myself. go team go!

Saturday, 9.24 - 60min of YogaX

-Next week is my last week of exercising before i do another check-in. i am hoping to really come out on top with my performance. I am proud of myself because i'm doing this. every week when I blog, I am impressed with myself. So many years I've talked about what i am going to do. These days, I do it and then talk about it. what a difference!

Need Not be Scared..

2011-09-23T10:18:00.000-07:00

Need NOT Be Scared

...Cause I AM Here

You're onto a Winner.. -jcainer

2011-09-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

You are Entitled to Fullfill your Own Potential

Last week's workout log

2011-09-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

9.12 50min Core Fusion Open w/Jeannine - it was a 2 day hiatus of no exercise. So today was much needed. I still felt the anxiety before taking class. But there is nothing like that feeling of accomplishment when class is over...

9.14 60min Core Fusion Open w/Anna - I needed this class. I saw it as pure therapy after an emotionally heavy morning. I still find myself struggling to make it through. There are many points where it feels like I just can't complete the workout. But there is no option but forward and i am now good at pushing myself to take it. One thing I noticed was that i was able to really straighten my legs during the ab work. It was cool to see that there was an improvement in that area.

9.15 40min Slim in 6 Series: Tear it up! - i was kind of bored with this workout in the beginning. the warm-ups are dull. But once you keep going, it gets realll intense. I love her lunges and lower body workouts. i ONLY did 40min, but i was drenched in sweat when I was done. I think this workout was part cardio and part toning. Will def use again.

*i didn't get to 4 workouts this week. But I didn't really set a goal of how many workouts i am aiming to do each week. i have just been finding the time to do them. So we'll see what next week looks like.

Last week's workout log

2011-09-15T13:00:00.000-07:00

Sunday 9.4 Core Fusion Sport - yehh man. I'm really doing this thing! Did a sport class today which incorporated 30min of cardio along with toning. Just what I need! However, I had trouble with my breathing--gotta remember to bring that pump in with me especially when I do cardio.

*How I feel today is another story. I find myself struggling with being present. Just wishing to get done with work and down to what I want to do. I am trying to not feel trapped in the middle of work and this weight loss journey. I easily fall into the "lets analyze myself in the mirror time" and find very unhappy things about myself. I dont want to run away from the mirror. But sometimes looking at myself is painful. I think its something I need to address for the rest of this week.

Tuesday 9.6 - 60min Core Fusion Open Class - yep. I had to exercise after the weekend that I had. Its been a very dramatic few days..and I needed this workout in order to feel strong. It wasn't about trying to look good..it was about getting my mental to be stronger to face the discomforting situation that is currently happening in my life and to my family. I walked out of class desiring to do more. I was craving an even more "kick-my-ass" workout.

Wednesday 9.7 - 60min of P90X (KenpoX) - last night was so draining for me. I craved to just sweat it out and thats what this workout did for me. i'm finding the benefits of working out are way beyond just the shallow needs of looking good. Working out is pure therapy.

Friday 9.9 - 60min of Core Fusion Open Class - today I took Tammy's class and she is by far the hardest i've taken. I love her gluteal work too. I am proud of myself for really stepping up to the plate and finding times and ways for me to get my workouts in. I'm reaching for the gold.

Numerology Report for September...

2011-09-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

Beware as long as you live

of judging by appearances.
-Jean de la Fontaine

Whatever you are experiencing, September’s double 3 vibration emphasizes the important choice of moving toward freedom and fulfillment by listening to your own desires (some of which recently changed) – or living unfulfilled because you believe your desires are unattainable or dependent on forces beyond your control.

A decision you make this month will determine the quality of your life for some time to come. So, within the realms of current reality, do what you want to do – live as you want to live – and let go of any doubt as to how others may fit in with your plans. Whatever you started in July is now showing signs of progress. Seize every opportunity to move forward in the direction of your choice. Begin to create your desired future. The mere dreaming of it is not enough now. At this point, it makes no difference what others think of you or your plans. If you wait for their approval, the opportunity may be lost.

Take full responsibility for your own life. You now have a chance to feel more alive than you have felt in a long time. An emotional situation may arise which forces you to express yourself in a way you thought you could never do. Clearly, something needs to be said, and there will be a great improvement in the lives of all concerned when you say what is on your mind and in your heart

Now, the power of words is stronger than ever, and what you have to say can set the record straight once and for all. Nothing can be gained from saying merely what you believe others want to hear. You may shock yourself as you realize just how deeply you feel about a particular matter; or how much you love a certain person. Or, perhaps a friendship or loyalty has been outgrown and it is time to go your separate ways.

Try to spend time with people who are supportive, creative, and expressive. Remember that every situation has the potential for either a creative or destructive outcome. Recognize how your actions and words affect others, and choose the road of PEACE.

This does not contradict your need to speak up. Your desire for peace does not mean that your needs and feelings should be silenced just because someone else has a different point of view.

Do your homework. Only the facts are relevant. Avoid criticizing, gossiping, or resorting to hearsay – there is no peace there. And do not stretch yourself in too many different directions. Focus on what is important to you.

Social interaction or a simple conversation, could be enlightening. Someone you know, meet, or would like to meet, may have a major role to play in your future. Continue to take yourself and your goals seriously. Others will be noticing you this month and, while outer appearance does matter, remember that your true beauty comes from inside through a form of love we call confidence or self respect.

Your passion and confidence or your defensiveness and insecurity will rub off on others, creating either friendly or hostile environments. But who knows what brilliant ideas will surface when you release those barriers that your well disguised fear of rejection has placed around your creative mind? You are on this Earth for a reason!

** to get your report go to...

Last Week's Workout-Log

2011-09-04T20:30:00.000-07:00

Tuesday 7.19 - 25min of core fusion cardio - back on track and looking at my fitness regimen in a different way. I'm not at all swayed by my 2 week hiatus..i'm just happy that i'm back in the game.

** yeah well then i had about a 3 week hiatus***

Tuesday 8.30 - 60min of Core Fusion Open Class - back again and feeling inspired but realizing that it is important to recognize the benefits of my fitness routine for today. This class has helped my posture and my self-confidence for today. This class was extremely hard for me. I had felt my anxiety before the class building b/c i was dreading the pain. So these are things that i have to work on...expecially anxiety.

Wednesday 8.31 - 40min of CardioX - this workout was the bomb. I absolutely love this dvd and I always forget how much i love having tony horton in my living room training me. I love this workout because i have the control to make it harder or easier on myself. It def helped my soreness from yesterday. And My lungs got a great workout which is important for the singing that I will be doing today. go me!

Thursday 9.1 - 60min of Core Fusion Open Class - the universe invited me into class today and I gladly accepted..even though it was unexpected it actually worked out really well. I had a great teacher, ms. hesse. she was motivating and I found that I was very present with my body. I like the variety of moves and lots of stretching that she incorporates. If I am looking for a workout that I know I'll enjoy till the end..now I know ms. hesse is my girl.

Saturday 9.3 - 60min of Core Fusion Open Class - today I was tired and not looking forward to working out. I wonder if I ever will be actually looking forward to taking these classes...lol.

*this week was a good one. I feel like I did fall of..but i got right in the flow of things. I am hoping for another great week of workouts ahead!

this is my skin..on soda

2011-08-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

DAY ONE(Monday); Came back from Texas, andI had fun..but i HAD a lot of coca cola.

DAY THREE (Wednesday) : I put IS clinical Active Serum and Pro-heal to my skin. The acne is still present but it isn't sensitive to the touch. Also, I am focusing on "upping" water intake.

NEW PROGRAM: lose 8lbs

2011-08-23T07:19:00.000-07:00

Today I weighed myself. Currently at 164lbs. Which means no weight loss at all.

i have steadily held a fitness routine for a few weeks. But then I slipped off the bandwagon. What i REALLY need to focus on is the balance of fitness with eating. I also need to focus on inspiring myself and finding daily motivation..so that i don't slip off..and if I do..I can get back on a lot faster than 2 weeks of nothing. Today, I signed up for the SELF: lose 8lbs in a month program.

The truth is... it is healthier and more efficient if you do not speed up your weight loss. Gradual loss is the key to keeping your body healthy and keeping the weight off---at least thats what the experts say!

If I could keep a steady 5-8lb loss each month..how long would it take me to reach my goal? About 5 months! This is a slow and steady journey. By January 2012, I should be coming up to my goal...atleast around 130lbs.

This week, i started back on the fitness regime. And what i learned from my last workout is to focus on each day and each new healthy decision for that specific day. Too often, in my workouts..i'm focused on the day that is 5 months from now. When I have the body I've always imagined. Sometimes its motivating. Sometimes it does the complete opposite. Treating each day on its own and cherishing what that workout is doing for that day is better.

Go Beyond the Wound

2011-08-20T08:58:00.000-07:00

This week has been draining me. Today listening to Jonathan Cainer, I realise that life is presenting specific ideas and conflict to me in order to bring order/calm/and healing.

Today Jonathan says to take the chances that the universe is presenting..I will have to go beyond the "wound". Whatever is going on right now...i've got to be able to see it and address it in a different way. Understanding, i'm sure is the first step, but how to address it to find the healing that i so desire? And which part of my life is it that I can really do this for?...because as it seems right now...there are lots of wounds in different areas of my life. I will have to take this week in stride and slow down. Slow down my thinking and my reactions. Its time to get back on the "take good care" train and find peace and independence.

Transformational energy

2011-08-18T08:36:00.000-07:00

So..after reading a passage last night on transforming negative energies into positive and transforming karmic debts. I look at a recent issue that honestly has been bugging me for a while. I know a lot of women care---nothing of guys catting at them on the street, or when they catch their guy looking at someone else. --> well this post isn't for you ladies. This post is for those who it does bother...

Cause it does bother me. It bothers me to the point of holding down rage and anger.---this might be where my taurean personality gets picked on too much and is ready to let loose! And i want to make it a better experience for myself.. I think i've done good thus far... I found myself smiling at some points when it does happen by imagining the "girl" or object of affection and attention is growing a quite large penis under her tight ass skirt! This really does trigger my creative energy..and weird enough it changes my energy..because never would I imagine smiling in those moments and i've been able to accomplish that. But its not sustainable for me. i'm not always in a creative mood and can easily fall back into a very angry state..and it doesn't feel healthy.

So this morning after my shower, I thought about it with even more depth. I've found that the real trigger IS the 'appreciation' of another's body and sexual attraction. And when I look at myself..I honestly don't feel that I have that period. This morning i realized that I can't wait for someone else to give me what I want. That is another of my mantras that I've got to live by. Cause if you wait to get what you want from people..they will disappoint you...And its important to have SELF-FULFILLMENT. So its time that i START with myself. I need to learn to appreciate my own body, my own physical sexual attraction. My anger comes from a lack of self-love. And thats all it really is.

The Real Journey Begins...

2011-08-15T11:37:00.000-07:00

There is nothing better to me.. than seeing the road ahead. Something like this picture. The beautiful terrain ahead that you will have to tread in order to get to your destination. You might be scared, you might not be totally prepared, but you have no choice but to take the path forward. I look at this picture and I think of my life.

I think about my desires to lose weight and be healthy. And as I really partake in this new lifestyle.. I find that I am still missing that one thing..That one thing outside of healthy eating and exercising that is going to make me at my healthiest. And that is doing what I love to do.

My current work situation is not allowing me to walk the path. In fact, I feel entrapped, encaged, a prisoner to the mentality that I have to work hard for my money and work hard for my dreams. And yet, it is an endless cycle of work / pay bills / dream / work / pay bills /and dream some more. I realize that if I do not finally take a hold of my life and go for my dreams... I might never really be healthy.

The Body needs and craves nutrients. But it also needs a fulfillment of the soul, a mental and emotional fulfillment to know that it is meeting its purpose in life. I sit back and am astounded at the amount of people who are not living to their life's potential. Who are stuck in a "i gotta make money to survive" mentality. Its not right. This is not how life is supposed to be.

Well i'm done with it. I'm done with living miserably and only dreaming about what could be, while I collect BS checks from a corporation who gives not nearly two shits about my well being or my "journey".

The only person who can take the journey is me...
The only one who can take the first step is me...
The only person who can gain the faith to LEAP... is ME.

Its time now to stop surviving. And to start really living. This .. I believe.. will put me at my MOST healthiest. till next time.

Numerology

2011-07-31T08:27:00.000-07:00

Do you know your personal number for the year?
If not..check out this site.
http://creativenumerology.wordpress.com/2011/07/31/monthly-august-2011-2/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=twitter

I just read a passage for the month of august. And I found out my yearly personal number is 3. Whats yours..? Check out your reading and let me know if it was as effective for you as it was for me.. here's mine.

All things come around to those who will but wait.
Longfellow

A task needs to be completed, or an old habit needs to be eliminated, so that you can finally slow down and relax. Yes, relax. Remember how that feels? It is time to release yourself from all that tension and pressure, make an important connection and then take the time to reflect on your new reality.

Many shifts have taken place this year. Look how far you have come; how much old emotion you have expressed, and how much new understanding has replaced it. Everyone is afraid of change – and everyone has a natural ability to adapt. But why, oh why, is it so hard for us to adapt to feelings of happiness and satisfaction?

We resist happiness because guilt tells us that we are unworthy of these beautiful emotions, or that they cannot possibly last, so why even tease yourself with them? But that is the nature of emotion – spontaneous, temporary, ever flowing through us and out of us in response to how any given situation makes us feel. It is guilt that stops this natural healthy flow.

Remember those times in your past when you believed – or were made to believe – that you’d broken a rule? You may think that rules were made to be broken, but that is usually not the intent. Rules are made to control. We break a lot of rules as we proceed through life. However, each rule we break sets in motion the very stuff that control depends on: guilt – and its mirror-image blame – which are now effecting the way you express yourself and, indeed, the very words you use to do so. For as long as you remain in a situation in which you have to watch every word you say or follow irrelevant rules and guidelines, you can never be happy. That path is made of eggshells and it is not for you any more.

You have been the captain of your own ship for quite a while now, and you have brought yourself to many new interests, ideas, people, places, and feelings. You have done well. So, this month, take a real break! Sit back – peacefully – and just BE! Observe the wheels (of whatever system you’re living in) turn and spin and grind along. Watch the race in progress – the human race – and ask yourself what it is that humanity is racing towards. As the truth sinks in, ask yourself once again: “What do I want?”

You now have an opportunity to rest and revitalize, consider the true nature of your relationships, desires and goals, and quietly contemplate your options. Issues need to be approached in a patient and confident manner. An important goal must be looked at in the full light of reality, and the events of August will give you a chance to appreciate and understand the details more clearly.

Aggression on your part is the result of fear of both failure and success, and will result in further frustration or resentment. You need to regain your confidence and peacefully proceed with your life.

Consider yourself part of a team as your success does depend on the cooperation of others. And you, too, must cooperate with whoever else is involved. Be considerate of other people’s feelings and needs. Diplomacy is a major theme this month, so be tactful, or you could find yourself on a path you had no intention of traveling.

The events of August are teaching you about the power of words, as well as how to cooperate and become closely involved with others without losing yourself in their reality. You are learning how to be a friend or, at the very least, how to be friendly.

Hold on to your optimism. Your plans are benefiting from this month of interruption and delay. By the end of August, you will know that the waiting is over and that you are in control of your own journey. Meanwhile, patience, patience, patience……*

**I might have to read this on a regular basis to remind myself. :)

Work Revelations

2011-07-30T14:46:00.000-07:00

There have been some crazy things going on at work and now it is time for me to just get it off my chest. After reading "The power of now" -- where Eckhart Tolle discusses some essential points about the "pain body". I've been able to take a step back and recognize the part that I have been playing in all the stuff at work.

There is finally a new position opening up, a position that I have been keeping my eye on for a while now. But it is funny that now it is here, it is really not the right time for me to even apply. Why? Well, i could say that my horoscope says Mercury is in Retrograde and I have been advised by spiritual leaders to avoid making any commitment and signing contracts. But if i really think about it, i do not need this as an excuse. The events coming up to this open position have all been very negative. A boss that is unwilling to budge from her point of view and who will not be open to improvements in the way that she runs things. To me having to speak to someone above her head, to her getting reprimanded to this position finally opening up. i've realized that i have entangled myself into a WEB of Negativity. I have had to tell on her, fight for my reasons, and still look like the fool at the end. Most importantly, i am a witness to the resentment and the negative feelings towards to the owners of this company. With all this being said, as much as I thought i should go for this position, for it would ensure me more $ and then I can prove that i am worth the position...... I am having the epiphany that this is the wrong mindset to have. And unfortunately, this position is not worth it. I have to be truthful to myself.... do i want to be a spa director? Is this position putting me in the place that i want to be to fulfill my career dreams? No, its not.. If anything I would still be playing AND Losing the same game. The game of me proving to these people of how good and worthy I am. And i am truly tired of playing this game. And the truth is that i'll never really win either.

In music, there is no reason for me to prove to anything or anyone how worthy i am. In music, I fit in just nicely and it is where i AM MOST HAPPY. it is where I belong, and it is what i should be challenging myself in. Taking this job (if it would even be offered to me) would get me no where. Maybe more $... but no where else. I think I find another place to put my energy into. And something more worth MY time to challenge myself in... and thats my music. My dynasty. So I am going to let go of applying for this job, even though i have wanted to be in this position for so long... everything that has happened is proof to me that this is not the way I should have gotten this job, and fighting for it..isn't worth my time. I deserve better. I deserve what I really want. And i do not have to prove to anyone in this company that I am worth it. i'm done.

Its time now to focus my worth ethic and my detailed professionalism, to focus my challenges and my growth in my music. it is calling for me and it is time now..that i stop shying away from it and attracting myself to such negative situations. Negative situations that i have no business being in, because i DON'T belong. I don't belong in a place that has never and will never recognize my worth.

Don’t Deprive The World Of Your Gifts

2011-07-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Don’t Deprive The World Of Your Gifts
by Tony Gaskins Jr on July 11, 2011

Email This Post
.“You can’t use someone else’s ability!”

It’s okay to be inspired by someone else, but be bold enough to be yourself. If you can’t do it like they can, then it’s probably not for you to be doing.

The Uni-verse gives gifts without repentance, and It’s given us all special gifts. The key is to uncover them because they are already there. Don’t get stuck emulating someone else for too long or you’ll end up forgetting who you are.

Don’t do what makes someone else successful because you want fame or fortune. Instead, do what makes you come alive because that is what the world needs most: individuals that have come alive!

So today I ask you to look within yourself and uncover your gifts; then start operating in them. Don’t deprive the world of your gifts trying to be like someone else. The Uni-verse made you for a purpose – so fulfill it.

Do you!

Tony A. Gaskins Jr.

Author/Life Coach/Speaker

http://www.tonygaskins.com/

wordsforthepeople.com

2011-07-11T04:02:00.001-07:00

Taurus – The focus continues to be on getting clearer and clearer about how your thoughts are creating your reality. Whenever you catch your egoic mind getting down on yourself or holding a resentment against someone else (however justified), notice how your experience changes. All of this detective work on your own mental processes culminates with a pretty powerful realization this weekend. You see that you have a choice – you can either get serious about changing a core negative belief system or you can continue to create the same limited reality.

Change & Adapt

2011-07-06T01:39:00.000-07:00

My workout routine is going to have to change and adjust for this week. I really wanted to get in my workouts but i have two interferences that I just cannot ignore.

Firstly, i've got my period. Normally any girl with her period could do the workouts but mine is irregular and when it comes it is very heavy and I can have really bad pain..

even worse..

Secondly, my asthma pump is out! It just ran out today and I wasn't expecting that to happen. It is really difficult for me to do anything without my pump. If I can't breathe I really can't do anything. So it will all have to wait.. hopefully i can get a couple of workouts in..but i don't know.

This means I have to focus on my eating and i will put off my weigh-in and measurements for one more week. :)

amazing..

2011-07-03T20:30:00.000-07:00

Last week's Workout log

2011-07-03T19:15:00.000-07:00

Wednesday 6.29 - 40min Core Fusion Basic Class -- finally got my butt into a workout this week! i was worried i was gonna fall off.. but here I am doing it. Now motivated to keep going for it..time for cardio workouts now. Gotta do them..cause cardio is essential at this time. :) go me

Thursday 6.30 - 30min PlyometricsX -- don't need no motivation. just pressed play and pushed myself right through. I am starting to recognize how exercising in my day.. puts my happiness and contentment in my days up a notch. I feel like I did something great for myself even though it was hard to get through. makes me more motivated to apply this to other parts of my life.

Saturday 7.2 - 40min of YogaX - i so needed this. And wow do I just love doing Yoga..its my fav exercise right now cause its perfect for me. I have such a restless mind and Yoga requires me to stay in the moment and pay attention to my body.

I was able to bump up most of my workouts to 40min. But, making my goal of 4 workouts a week wasn't successful this week. This is mainly because i took too long in the week to get started. Beginning the workout sessions on Wednesday... i tried to squeeze everything in..but Friday i got too tired. I was very close to not even making it..but i had to push myself on Wednesday to make it happen. Once i start the workout sessions..i GET inspired..but its starting that is always the hardest part.

This week I am going to aim to start earlier, aim for 4 workouts, and get all sessions to 40min. (keeping cardio as prominent--meaning half or more than half of the workouts.)

This Week I will also be doing my measurements and 1st weigh-in since i began this new method of logging weekly workouts.

Dreamscape night 1 recap

2011-07-02T10:05:00.000-07:00

So I am going over my "Dreamscape" tapes finally. This is a big show that i helped produce and perform in April. Let's just say..how much I haaaaate re-looking at tapes of performances that I have previously done. In order for me to avoid feeling completely squirmish i really have to watch the tapes by myself...and at least a month later...this time it was nearly 3 months later. haha

So reviewing my performance for the first night... i am proud of myself because my vocal range is starting to sound more open and I am able to go in and out of registers more easily. I can tell from my whole performance of that. So I am happy with that. I personally thought that i looked beautiful--overweight and all. I absolutely love the way that i wear my clothes and I seem to give of a big helping of self confidence and assurance (Even if thats not what i am always feeling on the inside).

I do not want to be too self-critical..cause we are all our own critics..and i find that there is always something stirring within me that is never satisfied..so i'll be easy on myself. What i remember from that night was that i wasn't happy with my solo. I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy...but looking at it now, I think because i didn't feel completely confident with it that i GAVE my all. And it did fill in the gaps to the parts that were missing. It is hard for me to not look at the other singers and weigh myself. There are thoughts in my head that want to compare and contrast...but i am not going to go there with my "recap" because Beyonce said it best that she is most competitive with herself. So i will choose to only comment on how i can improve on my last performances and do better from what i did...and not what anyone else did..even though its so innate for me to look at others...

What i do need to work on is ...

1.)breath control. Its time to push myself in my workouts..maybe in running to sing when I run or do any cardio. That will be a training that i'd like to do. Cause there are times when my breath falters..and then it messes with my ability to stay on pitch or to hold out notes..or to be more dynamic with my singing volumes.

2.)transitions. in this specific solo..the transitions musically, vocally and physically were little awkward. It is definetly hard for me to find the comic relief in my performance...which leads me to the next thing...

3.) Acting. I fall in and out of my character instead of staying right there with it. Sometimes falling out is good..and it helps to relieve the moment...but i do it a little too often..and i can see how an audience member would not be able to follow my intention. I think improvement on this comes from doing the song, over and over and over again. Also it is just mere performance...i need to have more and more and more performance opportunities..so i can sharpen these skills...I haven't been performing as much as when I was in HS and college..and i think I am a little rusty.

4.) diction and key. I've got to work on my diction, my intention and possibly some of the keys of the song could be changed to help me bring out more.

so thats my recap for night 1. Night 2 and 3 to come.. This is mainly to help me see what I need to work on when we do this again in the Fall.

I do see much improvement. And bg was so supportive of me..that i do not want to let go of all the wonderful things he said.

There is constantly an uneasy/restlessness within me when it comes to my music. And i don't know if it is coming from a good place. Sometimes i just feel like i WILL never be as good as i think I am in my head. Sometimes I just am unhappy with what i HEAR AND SEE back..despite what people say..and so its a struggle for me to really trust myself and to think that i am great..quite often I am at a battle with myself over what i think is perfect and me trying to achieve that. This summer is when I'd really like to tackle this. I think it is good for me to be critical and to see and look for improvements..but i am unhappy at how dissatisfied i can be. When at the end of the day...its not about competitiveness or perfection... its about doing what i love and loving to do it.

Last Week's Workout log

2011-06-27T12:02:00.000-07:00

*Can't stop admiring my arms!*
My arms are getting definition in my triceps and shoulders!
its kinda cool!!

6.21 Tuesday - 30min of Core Fusion Cardio. I again was feeling the lull. But i went to my "inspire me" label. And then got right out and poppin! I really like this dvd because it is hard but doable. i was sweating a whole lot even after 30min! So proud of myself.. i used inspiration beforehand and used reward afterhand. i like taking the time to pamper myself after a workout..it makes the whole experience so rejuvenating!

6.22 Wednesday - 20min of Core Fusion Thighs&Glutes. I was prepping for wearing short shorts to a performance and thought a good workout for my legs would give me an extra boost of confidence.

6.23 Thursday - 35min of KENPO X. I pushed myself today and it felt great! last week this workout wasn't working for me.. but today I pushed through the hump! go me!

i am happy with myself because I did what I said I was gonna do..making cardio more of a focus on my routines. So far I haven't seen any inches or lbs lost, however the results are showing in my arms, my muscles are looking more defined these days..which gives me a little inspiration to keep it moving! Next week i'd like to do another official weigh-in and measurement to see where I am standing. This week I will be focusing on adding a 4th routine. Keeping the cardio as prominent, but I'd like to bump it up to 4 workouts a week. Let the games begin!!

Here's to another week of Focused Fitness!

Dissatisfaction...to finding Success

2011-06-27T03:58:00.000-07:00

Feeling very restless this morning. After a great weekend of writing another song.. you would think that I'd be satisfied. But there is something about waking up in the wee hours of the morning to get into a job ....that you can't stand.... its just dampens my mood completely.

I think I am feeling most upset about my weight. There are days like these when it just feels like it is going to take a surgery and a miracle to get to where I want to get to. It might just be that I am looking to have that straight path to success ....and the path, for me atleast, is never that easy.

This morning the negative thoughts I was fighting with was that I would have to go through another Summer covering up my body and NOT being able to wear a bikini. Just going through another summer wishing I could have some other girl's body...yada yada yada. all the same shit.
Remember when I was so amped about losing weight and posted this for inspiration?...
http://offdashoulda.blogspot.com/2011/05/celebrity-looks-at-billboard-awards.html

I am unsure of how to "fix my mood" at this point in time. Just wish I had more of what I think I need more of..so I could find happiness. --sounds materialistic doesn't it?

Watching a video of my new fav artist Jessie J,

She says she defines her success, not through money or materialistic things but through her happiness. Isn't that an Interesting concept? I wonder if that means that she is working hard everday to find her own happiness? But if thats the case, what do you do to find true happiness?

Or does it mean that she is happy everyday and thus she is successful everyday?..I don't know.

HOWEVER

it does make me question what my definition for success is. I think its important to define it for myself ...for I am recently finding the inspiration and the courage to go after all of my dreams...
I have always imagined SUCCESS as the end result. Your dreams fulfilled. It makes the most sense...So to me... that is sucess. If I want to be 30lbs thinner..then success would be once I've lost 30lbs...But then that got me thinking.. what if I lost 30lbs through starving myself or some other unhealthy method. Is that still success to me? No. it isn't.

So if I really digged deep down within myself to find out what would make me feel happy about my success is if I stayed true to myself, if I put all of my effort into it to produce the best result and...as Jessie J says.. if I am happy with myself at the end of it all.

I battle often with being dissatisfied. Its time now for the happy ME to resurface and make a comeback.

from "thedailylove" Blog

2011-06-26T06:53:00.000-07:00

When we start contemplating living our dreams, we first bask in the possibility of what could be...... and then we come back to reality.

As we actually start to consider taking actions TOWARDS our dreams, that is where the fears, insecurities and doubts come up. And the biggest block of all is the need for security and certainty.

You see, you can’t been a Seeker on The Path and value certainty over the adventure of creating yourself. We have to learn to let go of our attachment to what’s comfortable, easy and safe and learn to become strong enough in our Faith to not avoid or prevent uncertainty, but to be solid within uncertainty.

The Path is one of uncertainty, of stepping out into the unknown and of being able to remain solid even when we don’t know what the next moment will bring.

So many people will never realize their dreams because they place certainty so high in their lives that they never break free and dive deep into the unknown.

It’s a rare individual who feels the fear and does it anyway. It’s an uncommon person who steps out into the unknown and goes ALL IN with their dreams.

..... our goal is to step out even though we are terrified of the unknown.

We are journeyers,

we are travelers,

we are Seekers on a Path into our own Highest Potential.

We are not promised certainty from the world, but rather from our Faith.

It takes a strong person to step out into the unknown, day in and day out, to risk being wrong, to risk making huge mistakes when the stakes are even bigger and to be willing to fail. It takes an even stronger person to fail and then to pick themselves back up and realize that failure is only failure if we give up. Instead, this strong person sees failure as a lesson, as an education and as a test of how much we truly believe in ourselves.

You see, success on The Path comes in two forms: the first is being able to keep going when you would normally quit

the second being self-realized enough to be free from or at least understand your fear.

As Russell Simmons says, “Money doesn’t make you happy, but happy can make you money”.

On Days Like these:

2011-06-24T14:47:00.001-07:00

On days like these..which are very typical days..it might mean that I had to be at work very early, and without any eating plan whatsoever...I'll grab a coffee and go.

Without food from home and resistant to pay for an expensive breakfast, I can go a good 4-6 hours without eating. These days are usually on Sunday,Monday, and Friday. 3 days out of the week. it is such a bad habit because I feel drained, nauseous, and my stomach slightly aches.

The first thing i typically do is grab whatever i can and take it down. Feeling satiated at first and then extremely sick and tired.

It's time now to address it and have an action plan if happens..or even better a preventitive plan.

Action plan--> today instead of gobbling down my food..i'll be taking my time to drink 2 glasses of water and have a cup size of salad first. My body is aching for hydration and nutrients.

Preventative plan--> start preparing my meal in the night before and waking up and putting it in my bag before I do anything else.

Willpower

2011-06-20T19:56:00.000-07:00

I am a witness to what willpower can do.

It can make the impossible possible.

The unbeatable beatable.

What are you afraid of today?

It all rests within the strength of your Mind's WILL to overcome it.

astro.com

2011-06-20T19:28:00.000-07:00

This is also a good time to get in touch with your inner feelings. You are much more willing than usual to face the inner hidden aspects of yourself that you have been afraid to face in the past. Now you see a confrontation with your inner self as another opportunity to learn, and in truth it is. Also you will be able to understand how your past has affected the present, and you will learn to gain control over parts of yourself that used to control you. This increase in self-knowledge may be accompanied by or may come to you through an increased religious or spiritual self-awareness

I AM FOCUSED...

2011-06-20T05:27:00.000-07:00

I AM FOCUSED, I WILL, BY...

I've recognized some patterns and habits that I have and one of them are the fact that can go into too many projects and not finish them. Starting off with enthusiasm and ending in laziness, procrastination and then defeat. But I am a Bull(taurus), determined and equipped with perseverence. Time to bring out the big guns and FOCUS.

Currently...

...I am focused on my weight loss/fitness goals. I WILL continue on my weight loss journey by logging in my workouts and eating, monthly weigh-ins/measurements, and blogging/writing to find the source of overeating.

...I am focused on changing my personal style. I WILL consider and then buy newer pieces to my wardrobe by taking photos of my outfits and seeing what needs to be changed/replaced or added.

...I am focused on my music career. I WILL keep working on my craft daily by practicing songs for youtube channel, songwriting, performing when opportunity arises

Daily inspiration

2011-06-20T04:46:00.000-07:00

"To have something you've never had you must be willing to do something you've never done"

Last Week's Workout-Log

2011-06-20T04:14:00.000-07:00

Last Week's Workouts.

Sun/6.12
30min of YogaX- been about 2 weeks since I worked out..so this was hard to get back into, but once i got into the routine I was feeling great. Afterwards i felt long and limber. Nice to be back on track!

Mon/6.13
20min of KenpoX- today my mind wasn't in it. I just keep having so many thoughts about what i WANT to do, and couldn't focus on my workout. Tired, been up since 5:30am and i'm feeling drained and uninspired. Even though last week's lesson for me was WILL, I am not feeling the will power tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Thurs/6.16
30min of YogaX- i decided i wanted to do yoga, but i wasn't feeling inspired. For me.. pushing myself to my fitness routines are going to require for me to be inspired. So i went and hit my "inspire me" label and watched some videos. did my yoga..and off to complete the rest of my day. Building my wall of prosperity.. one brick at a time.. :)

MY RECAP: Despite some setbacks, I am proud of me for pushing myself even when I really didn't want to. I have found that Yoga is a great workout for me cause it rejuvenates my mind and my body.

THIS WEEK: I will focus on more cardio.

unWILLing...

2011-06-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

Today's workout was tough...

i just couldn't bare through it after 20min. My body felt tired and my head was all over the place, i was thinking about writing in my blog, about the things i have to get done, and I just know that I am not in a good place to push myself today...

The honest truth, was that my mind felt defeated. Looking at my reflection, and reflecting period, i am now beginning to understand the depth of my weight gain. I am beginning to see all sides. I am aware of how it affects my moods, my choices, and my attitude. I am not yet 100 lbs overweight, but enough to be considered obese. And the reality has truly hit me on how far i have to go..and how long of a road traveled it might possibly take.

There was a moment in the routine where my mind said those exact words "You have a long way to go...today isn't going to matter. You'll still be fat after this workout."

Understanding my reality CAN put me into very negative thoughts. And because this is where my mood and mind was heading, I decided to cut it out! Only positive thoughts and postive energy are welcomed here...

But Next Time.. i'll keep going.

Your words, thoughts and actions... by Will Smith

2011-06-07T14:44:00.000-07:00

If I watch this everyday...

...what will my future look like..?

Weekly Inspiration...

2011-05-31T11:30:00.000-07:00

Instead of running away from your dreams, just sit with the uncomfortable feelings, meditate, take care of yourself and let them pass through you.

Do not run away because it is uncomfortable. Stay BECAUSE it is uncomfortable. Let your fears be purified by facing them. Let your judgments fade by not reacting to them and seeing how they play out over time. Humble yourself and know that things don’t have to go YOUR WAY for you to be happy. There could be a way that is being guided from The Uni-verse that is much greater than you could ever imagine.

Emotional fitness, humility and a grace-filled mind will take you where you need to go. Let go of the judgments. Let go of the expectations and just show up fully with whatever you are feeling today. But do not turn back. Stay in the fire. You are not being burned – you are being purified.

-from the daily love

http://thedailylove.com/

Making Dreams Reality

2011-05-26T08:22:00.000-07:00

It is becoming clearer to me as these days go by....

I've been fairly proud of myself for what i have been able to accomplish, mentally and creatively. But what makes a person fulfill their calling? What brings them to the light? Luck is a funny word.. and i no longer believe in it.

People who have been giving a chance to make the best of their light either make it or lose it.

I believe i have been giving a chance and a light, but I am slowly losing it. Its a gift that comes to many, but only those who truly understand what it takes to use it well....will make it. And there are few in between.

As I grow older ... I am more and more troubled with questions as to why am I not where I feel I am supposed to be. And i recognize that its because of me. Its always been. Possibly, i have a path that is unfolding for me...something that i have not wished for or envisioned. But i do know what i want. And i have not been in the right mentality to receive it.

I have grown, and I would like to grow more. I don't think I truly know what it means to work really hard for what you want.

Now that i have developed the spirituality and mental state to understand positive and negative thoughts and energy. it is time to move forward with STRONG MENTALITY. In order to say what i want and then to go get it... I am going to have to dig deep...and find the pain and bring it to the surface. I need to discover what is holding me back and eliminate it.

my dream..

2011-05-26T06:19:00.000-07:00

If I could have one wish granted in my life... It would be to do this.

i'm giving out all of my positive and powerful energy into fulfilling my dreams...

love you B~again another inspiring performance

Celebrity Looks at the Billboard Awards

2011-05-23T11:41:00.000-07:00

After watching the Billboard Awards.. I was highly inspired by some of the celebrity looks. I'd love to be able to "redo" some of these looks myself this summer... Most of these looks would be clubwear or maybe a sexy look for a stage performance. Take a look!

Nicki Minaj

Nicki Minaj is so hot. I love her body shape and I like that she experiments with colors.

I found these light colored pastel like dresses on hotmiamistyles.com. So cute and form fitting-just like Nicki does it :)

Kelly Rowland

Kelly's look is my favorite off the redcarpet. She is looking sizzling hot!

her makeup is very bombshell for real. She is def trying to make some guy/gyal jealous with this look.

I found this dress on hotmiamistyles.com that would be a similar look, but would compliment my body more. I can't wait to try this one on!

Keri Hilson

I've never been a fan of Keri, just because of the lame isht she said about Beyonce when she first came out. But I have been loving her look lately. I'm loving this look from the Billboard awards.. yellow is a crazy color to wear..but it really really looks fab.

her makeup is flawless and to die for!!! omg!

I wish I could find a dress that is more tailored like hers.. but I found this dress on hotmiamistyles.com as well.. I think it would look great with that makeup look. I might have to go ahead and just try the makeup look asap.

Beyonce

I love Beyonce and her performance and look for the awards was again flawless. I found this blue dress on hotmiamistyles.com that is similar. I chose blue because I have so much black in my wardrobe closet. And with my new aspirations in my fitness goals.. I really want to show off with some color...

All I need now is a prayer and my dumbbells..LOL. I'd love to be able to rock these looks in the depths of the summer this year. Lets make August 1st a good goal to reward myself with a purchase from HOTMIAMISTYLES!

The challenge is on!!!

POUTING

2011-05-13T14:45:00.000-07:00

Today i'm pouting...

can't seem to shake off this negativity...

sometimes I fall into these kinds of emotional states...

people are living my dream....

and all I can do is pout.

Updated: Weight loss Measurements, Weight, & Plan

2011-05-12T09:54:00.000-07:00

Okay, I'm ready to be more upclose & personal today...

UPDATE: May 12th 2011

Waist in Inches: 35.5

Overall goal in Inches: 24

Bust: 39.5

Overall goal in Inches: no less than 34

Butt & Hip in Inches: 42.5

Overall goal in Inches: no less than 36

Weight Loss 101

2011-05-11T10:24:00.000-07:00

"Weight is a symptom of something that needs to change" -Bob Greene

Watching my DVR recording of Oprah's weight-loss episode from yesterday, I was inspired to answer Bob Greene's questions about weight loss.

Question 1: Why am I overweight?

Some people would think that i am overweight because of my relationship. Because I am now at my heaviest and gained a lot of weight while within the middle of a real long-term relationship. I would say it is partially true. But I have been overweight since before i BEGAN this relationship. Before, I was in college, and at times that i was lonely, scared or stressed out, I used food as my company. There were many times when I questioned myself on my career choice, friendships, and sense of self-worth, and it has shown in my eating choices that i didn't know who i was or what i was doing. And then, when i got into a relationship, i was unintentionally sucked into the aura of what i thought LOVE was. I would do and eat everything with my boyfriend... because it was fun to have company and someone who you were comfortable with and so we ate everything. But also, when things got rocky and we broke up a few times about 3 years ago, I had actually learned how to live on my own, and even though it was hard to face the fact that we weren't together anymore, i started working out as a benefit and a distraction to myself. But then we got back together and things that weren't fixed came back to the surface for me. A lot of low self-esteem issues, jealousy, not feeling like i am good enough, and finding a way or reason to escape...all of these issues were and are obviously still within me....so today. I am in the same but different place. I recognize myself more. I am more mature with my actions... but the weakening of my confidence and my spirit and my sense of self-worth is still probing at me. I am now at my heaviest and recognizing that it is time to make choices....better choices for me. I've discovered that losing weight will not allow me to finally find my sense of worth.... I have got to find it now...before I press play on a dvd, or put on workout clothes, or reach for the apple. Why? because if i don't find it before I make those choices, then I am making those choices for the wrong reasons. I am doing it because of the "pressure" from my mother, bf, and the entertainment industry to be "beautiful". Before I make these decisions I had to come to the attention that i am doing it because I want to be better. I WANT TO BE BETTER.

Question 2: Why do you want to lose weight?

I truly want a better life experience for myself. Of course the materialistic ideas of being beautiful is the first idea that my ego gives me. But, i recognize right after that still some people will not like me, and not think i'm as beautiful... So I trash this instantly.

I want to lose weight so I can feel empowered by myself. I want to feel confident!!

I would like to walk through the rest of my life not feeling like a victim but feeling like a superhero. I want to change my perspective on things so that within myself, i am a better and happier person. I want to lose weight to be healthier. Healthy means and better and longer life for myself. Not to mention that Healthy looks better than covered-up beauty. You can bronze, conceal all that you want... but it wont match the the vision of a person that is truly healthy from the inside out. That is real beauty.

Question 3: Why have you been unable to maintain weightloss?

Because I always blame others for why this and that has gone bad. I choose the victim route instead of the empowerment route. And when you victimize yourself, you go back to the things that make you feel good and that is food for me. I use food as my company and as my weapon.

Whats Next?

2011-05-02T06:02:00.000-07:00

Its so weird not having any work to do besides actual work at my job! I am feeling weird at the moment. But my momentum is up... I feel the desire of music ringing in my ears and flowing through my blood. Everything within me is telling me to keep going!

I am so proud of myself, because after college, I went through a serious lull. And as I started to get myself back into singing and performing I was face to face with a lot of things that I needed to fix. As an artist, we are probably never completely happy with our work, and there were moments this weekend where I was upset that it didn't go exactly as planned, but overall I've never felt better about where I am vocally and perfoming wise. I had lots of good feedback and I am going to run with it!

But its not over... as a performing artist, I am looking to grow even more and expand even more. I want to work more on technique, range, versatility, agility, and stamina. I know I come in a small package, but I believe I have a lot to offer to the music and entertainment world. Its what I was made for..and I just can never quit or let go. I know I have what it takes to better myself and improve ten-fold... I've already proven it to myself already..the only thing to do is to keep going.

Yep.. its been a Minute.

2011-05-01T06:40:00.000-07:00

Yep. I've been away for a while now. It is now May 1st. haha.

But for good reasons. I have been directing, producing, and putting on my own show for the past 3 months. And this weekend was the debut/feature of the show in NYC's The Metropolitan Room. It was quite an experience, and I am so grateful to be able to do what I love to do!

Now that the show is over... I am hesitant on what is next for me. Ive planned to embark on a journey into songwriting. I hope this summer will be a time to develop even more skills for my craft... What i've realized more than anything is how much I feel I belong on the stage. I was explaining to hubby two nights ago, that it is like "home" to me. I am not shy, or scared, or insecure. Its the only place where I feel I can be vulnerable and myself and if people love me.. then thats whats up!! I just don't want to let it go, and I hope in year 26 for me that I will get to triple-double my performance skills and experiences.

But for now, I've embarked on a journey with P90x.

I said I was on a mission to lose this weight, and I'm loving the videos in this program. So I will be trying this out and keeping updated pictures on progress/non-progress. My weight-loss journey is still in effect!

March '11 Weigh-In

2011-03-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

This week, I had the guts to weigh myself...and what did I come up with?

Still obese. I gained more weight than last time. 164lbs! ughhhh on a 5'1 frame. :(

I wish I could say I don't know why...but i DO. I was stressed this month dealing with my music company. Trying to get along with people and execute my projects was difficult. I didn't really let go of any bad habits consistently. And my eating has been less...I've been eating less a day, and it truly does not help you to lose weight. As you can see.

All I can hope is, I can fine tune this and figure out how to finally lose this weight properly. My goal for next weigh-in is (-6lbs)= 158lbs.

Sircuit Youth Accelorator

2011-03-07T04:39:00.000-08:00

The Sircuit Youth Accelorator is another popular item from the spa that I work at. This morning I cleansed my face thoroughly and put a thin layer of the accelorator to the skin on my face. Immediately, I felt a stinging-like tingle especially to the areas around my eyes. I think from now on, I need to be cautious of putting product on the skin around my eyes.

But after about 10min the layer hardens a bit to the skin and the stinging-like feeling resides.

I looked up the youth accelorator on the sircuitskincare website. Here's what they say about the product...

Details:
Youth Accelerator™ is a 100% natural un-buffered pumpkin wine enzyme peel. This nutrient rich formula with powerful antioxidant properties is intensive therapy that targets the skin receptors while helping to minimize the free radical damage that can result in accelerated aging. D-Beta-Fructan conditions the skin, ensuring your skin stays luscious and soft resulting in younger, healthier looking skin and a more vibrant complexion! Suitable for all skin types. Bestseller!

Featured Ingredients:

Pumpkin Wine - anti-aging, nourishing, antioxidant.
Pumpkin Enzymes - removes dead skin cells, deep cleans pores.
Concentrated Pumpkin (Cucurbita Pepo) Extract - rich in Beta Carotene and over 100 other nutrients.
D-Beta Fructan - from Date Palm, helps maintain ideal moisture levels.
Essential Oils - Essential Oils have a long tradition of holding a variety of beneficial attributes.
Free of artificial preservatives, colors, or frangrance, and always cruelty free.

How To: Use once a week, on clean skin but not on the same day as using Sir Activ™ scrub. Using a spatula (to avoid contamination), scoop out a small amount in the palm of your hand and smooth a thin layer gently over your face, avoiding the eye area. Leave on for 10 to 15 minutes. Gently rinse with warm water ensuring all traces of the peel are removed. Follow with Sircuit Addict™, Sircuit O.M.G.™, or Sircuit Weapon™ serums. For added benefits, Molecular Mist™ and Dreamweaver™ may be applied as part of your daily home treatment program.

Formulated With: Cucurbita Pepo (Pumpkin), Cucurbita Pepo (Pumpkin) Wine, Lactobacillus/Pumpkin Ferment Extract, Fructooligosaccharides (D-Beta), Cinnamomum Cassia Leaf Oil, Eugenia Caryophyllus (Clove) Leaf Oil, Zingiber Officinale (Ginger) Root Oil.

Caution: For external use only. Please avoid contact with eyes and keep out of the reach of children.

Sunburn Alert: This product is a peel any may increase your skin's sensitivity to the sun. Use a sunscreen and limit sun exposure while using this product and for a week afterward.

******My Review of this product is that it is pretty awesome and I would use it again. I am trying to learn the difference between a peel like this called "enzyme" compared to a "lactic acid" peel. It is difficult for me to understand exactly how it works, but with the "enzyme" , it seems that this is a deeper treatment. There is going to be light stinging, which means that the product is working. The enzyme peel is a deep pore cleaning/exfoliation treatment. So it is deep cleaning, which may help to reduce the appearance of big pores (something I suffer from) and it is taking off the dead skin cells, so revealing the newer skin underneath.

I found my skin to look like it is fresh and my skin color looks more even and vibrant. My skin feels smooth. Maybe not as smooth as when I do the mocha loca, lactic acid peel click here for that review. http://offdashoulda.blogspot.com/2010/11/spa-skin-sircuit-mocha-loca.html

And I see the lactic acid peel is not as deep of a treatment. There was no stinging in my experience with it. So that I can probably do like 2x a week, where the enzyme would only be 1x a week. The lactic acid peel leaves my skin so silky feeling. Its results are supposed to be to aid in hyperpigmentation and protect the skin from free radical damage.

Update on Weight Loss Journey

2011-02-28T06:06:00.000-08:00

BREAKFAST has been the biggest focus for me for the past week. I take a simple breakfast in for lunch on the two days that I am up early for work.

And then i eat out for breakfast once a week. And I cook breakfast at home for 4 days out of the week. Here is a pic of what I brought to work with me last week. I was so psyched and proud of myself for bringing in food!

Honey Nut Cheerios and Milk :)

My diet pitfalls is LATE NIGHT EATING. I still crave a lot of food when it gets late. I'm not sure how to tackle this, except to tell myself to stop eating! I think i have to make sure that I am eating 5-6 substantial meals throughout the day.

I've also recognized myself in the moment when I am eating and I'm not hungry! I've realized how I use food to "fight back". Its weird, I did it with my parents when I was younger, and I do it with my bf now. I guess I've never been a person who is good at taking orders, and when it comes to food... I "fight back". If my mother would tell me I am eating too much ice cream, I would "fight" by drinking a gallon of water. I remember doing that when I was younger and I drank so much water I vomited. These days, when the bf tells me that I shouldn't have a particular piece of food, I realize that I "fight" by eating more of it. Or requesting a cola. I have been drinking way too much soda lately..!

When I was younger, I fought by overdosing on the foods my mother thought I should be eating, now that I am an adult, I fight by overdosing on the foods I shouldn't. Either way, I'm eating out of spite instead of because I am hungry. I noticed that on a daily basis with myself and its silly to me. I am not a child anymore. I don't have to feel something anytime anyone suggests something to me. I shouldn't feel like I have to fight. I need to get this squared away.

Tomorrow is March 1st and I plan to weigh in again. I know that I am still fighting very bad habits, but I think I have also attracted a few good ones; eating breakfast, cutting out coffee, conscious eating, and trying to stop when i am full. I haven't been exercising, so I don't believe I will lose much weight. But I am hoping to see the scale tip under a pound or so. I like weighing in on a monthly basis... I don't know, it kind of relieves the stress of the scale.

My Eating Habits: A photo blog...

2011-02-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

In my recent blog from feb 6th...? I discussed my awareness of my HORRID relationship with food. I never thought of myself as an emotional eater, but more and more I found this to be true. My eating habits are off balance..And to first understand my habits, I decided to do a photo journal of my meals. Unfortunately, it didn't work out that I could keep it in order...lol. But I did consistently take photos of my meals from last week. Here they are!

Yeah..trust. This is not for a doctor's eyes!

Now normally I do not eat anything for breakfast on my Sunday morning shift, which starts at 8am. But on this day I felt compelled to get a donut. I guess I was in the mood for something sweet? And of course, my daily dose of coffee.

On sundays, if i ate in the morning..cool. if not, i'm usually starving come 1:00pm when i finally get off. And when I get home its 2:00pm. So for this day, that was a 5 hour wait in between "breakfast" and this finished picture of what was a Jamaican Patti, crust with cheese, and a side of coke. I can't recall how horrible I feel when I am just getting home at 2pm and haven't eaten at all! And after a full day of work..Now that i'm blogging about it, just the thought of that seems like pure torture to myself.

If I am too lazy to cook..which I am about 90% of the time. Then me and the bf are eating out. This is a typical din din...ordered from the "chinaman" as we like to call him. Fried chicken wings with bbq sauce and a side of fried rice or french fries..as you see here in this pic. About 2 hours, bf made pancakes and turkey bacon..cause we were still hungry..yeh

this was from the following day, monday, i get up early and have to be to work at 6:30am. I am usually only thinking about having a soothing vanilla latte at this time of the day. i know i should have breakfast. but i usually don't.

On mondays, i don't eat until late again. Yeah, similar to Sundays. And I ordered from POP Burger this day and had a turkey burger and fries. and then when i got home around 4pm. i ate the rest. its kind of gross now that i think about it. but the burger was really good and i just felt like i needed something to fill my tummy. but it was very expensive.

I made this! its chicken fried in olive oil with bbq sauce. and then i baked the sweet potato. it was actually very filling and i only needed one piece of chicken!

i bought a box of ice cream bars because i crave chocolate everynight.

A Mcdonalds stop in the middle of my day.

starbucks on the run.

the bf treated me to my favorite. cheeseburger and fries!

more mcdonalds on the run before i attend a marketing workshop.

there is this jamaican bakery around my way and they do make the BEST patties and crust with cheese. i got the pepsi zero to make myself feel better.lol

i made a turkey and cheese sandwich and had grape drink and doritos with it.

and sometimes i'll force an apple into my dull eating routine.

and to end it off..another scrumptuous cup of vanilla latte!

My Wishlist: SIGMA BRUSH KIT!!

2011-02-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have been hearing such great things about this line and their brushes! As I am venturing more and more into make-up I am now more proned to want better quality products. This brush-kit, is my new fave and I've been eyeing SIGMA for a while now.

Even though it is cheaper than MAC Brushes, it is still expensive for me. So right now, it is on my wish list.

Take a look at a detailed description of the brushes from sigmabeauty.com

Brushes in this kit:

Small Angle - E65 - Essential for the application of gel or cream eyeliner on the upper and lower lash line. This brush is also excellent for filling out the eyebrows. Synthetic bristles.

Medium Angled Shading - E70 - Angled, tapered, flat top. Ideal to apply highlight shades underneath the eyebrow and on the inner corners. It can also be used for a precise application of darker shades on the crease area. Natural bristles.

Large Shader - E60 - Flat shape is ideal for application of cream formulas and eye shadow primers. It also works great with loose eye shadows or pigments. Can be used to apply color all over the lid or precisely on the lash line. Natural bristles.

Pencil - E30 - Precise application of color on the crease, outer corner, and upper and lower lash line. Also ideal to smudge out pencil liner. Natural bristles.

Large Angled Contour - F40 - The angled shape makes this brush ideal to apply blush or contour shades. Natural bristles.

Large Powder - F30 - Very dense with a rounded top. Ideal to apply powder products on face and body. Natural bristles.

Duo Fibre - F50 - Specially designed to generate an ‘airbrushed’ finish when used to apply liquid foundation. It can also be used to apply blush, highlight shades and loose pigments. Blend of synthetic and natural bristles.

Foundation - F60 - Can be used to apply liquid or cream foundation. It is also recommended to apply moisturizers and conceal large areas. Synthetic bristles.

Concealer - F70 - The rounded, tapered, flat shape makes this brush ideal to conceal the under eye area. It is also recommended for a precise application in small areas. Synthetic bristles.

Tapered Blending - E40 - Rounded and tapered top. Specially designed to apply and blend color on the crease. Natural bristles.

Eye Shading - E55 - Soft and dense with a rounded finish. Can be used to apply pressed or loose eye shadows and pigments. Ideal to build intense color on the eyelid. Natural bristles.

Eyeliner - E05 - An extra-fine tipped synthetic fiber brush that delivers a precise, firm, even stroke to line the eyes.

I BELIEVE

2011-02-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

In Me.

"Wallowing in self-pity is a horrifying pleasure. But it is not good for me. And now that I am aware of it, I want to examine it, I want to record every negative thought I have...maybe i will do that.

I want to discover my thought process...and how it is not benefitting me. By living through the pain, but this time being aware of what i am doing.

its all so much for me to grasp right now, but...i feel a change is a coming. And its not for anyone else...but..me, myself and I. May we live in peace." - kboug

**~~~**

I am so proud of myself.. After reading some old entries from April 2008 and remembering that year at age 22-23, I was in such a horrible state of mind.. OMG! Today there was a moment when I had to run away from the computer screen... the tears just kept falling because I started to remember that old feeling, when I had lost my bf, and my friends. I was so alone...but it was the best thing for me. Because I learned that I could have very bad times, and still survive. I am a survivor.

I also realized, that even though I was surrounded by not so great people, my biggest enemy was myself and my thoughts.

I remember that time very clearly. Most of those first entries when I felt like the world was falling on top of me.. I would wallow in chinese fried chicken and french fries. Or I would have Mcdonalds for days. I drank soda regularly. I was and still am an EMOTIONAL EATER!

It is the comfort that the food brought to me. The loneliness went away for a mere second. And it was relieving because I was feeling so many negative things. It pains me to remember how much I hated myself, and how much I depended on what others thought of me to dictate what I thought of myself!

Out of all of my old entries, the one that stuck out like a sore thumb was this one

http://offdashoulda.blogspot.com/2008/04/im-stalker.html

No one was telling me I was pretty. In fact everyone was telling me I wasn't. And I was believing them! Its so hurtful...

But what I take from it now, was how I allowed food to help me through it. I recognize that then & now I HAVE A HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP with food.

Much has evolved since those years in my early 20's. But there are still some things that are necessary to address.

Now, I do have moments where I eat out of emotion. Not as much as before, but it is still present. What is very factual is that I've established very bad habits. Very very bad habits.Its time to exempt the negativity out of my path, and recognize the spiritual journey that I am going to have to take in order to get this weight loss thing back in control.

.

I BELIEVE IN ME.

40lbs is A lot!

2011-02-06T08:53:00.000-08:00

I took a measurement of myself on my WII FIT, and it looks like I'm still sitting in the same weight range. Last time I checked my BMI was 30.47, now it is 30.18 (STILL OBESE) BUT I did lose 1lb! .....

But its not a surprise to me. I got real motivated, and then i JUST FALL OFF. Last week I know I averaged 1 can of coca cola a day, which also means that my water challenge went straight into the dirt.

I get so motivated, and then boom... its over. And I'm back to old habits.

As you can see in this pic, I'm just at 160lbs. Which is still the heaviest I've ever been, And according to my Wii, I'm obese. Honestly, I can believe it. None of my clothes fit. I mean, nothing! I feel sluggish, and unhappy with myself.

This weekend, I realized that I have to come to the acceptance that 40lbs IS a lot of weight to lose. No, its not your typical Biggest Loser weight where I'm aiming to lose 100lbs. And I pray now, that I can have the strength to battle this weight gain, I do not want to come to the point where I keep gaining and find myself aiming to lose 100lbs. (sigh)

So now, that I've come to the acceptance that I've got a long way to go... I've got a lot of weight to lose. What do I do now?

man i feel like crying...

2011: MY GOALS!!

2011-02-04T16:55:00.001-08:00

1. Enhance and Improve Vocal Performance

2. Lose 35lbs and Improve My Self-Image

3. Save Enough $$$ for Business & Luxury

Counseling a Pre-teen..

2011-01-14T14:45:00.000-08:00

He said he want a "dimepiece"? Whats a dime piece? a beautiful/sexy woman. Hey, put a girl in a short shape form dress; add spanx if necessary. Then Add primer, concealer, foundation, blush/bronzer, eyeshadow, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, heels and hairspray. We all love to dress up.. but if he says he ONLY likes "dimpieces" then that means he wants to date a fake or your personal stylist. And thats what i told her...

Hair Relaxer Update --

2011-01-10T09:11:00.000-08:00

I recently self-relaxed my hair this past weekend. Always when Relaxer Day comes, its a little bittersweet because I am appreciative of the growth of my hair condition. Its been 2 years of my faithful commitment to learn how to really take care of my hair. And the results are truly remarkable!

But I've been also trying to reach a goal of Bra Strap Length, and it seems my hair is at a plateau. Its been grazing the length for about 6 months now, but not getting past this length.

My goals are to continue my Regimen, but to also include Castor Oil in my regimen on a more regular basis. Let's see if this Castor Oil is all it is cracked up to be!

I've been debating if I should bun, but I don't want to! At this point I want to enjoy my length and wear it out. So I've compromised with myself.. And I will be stretching to 14 weeks. And I will begin to bun on weekdays starting on 7 weeks post relaxer.

Hair Update:

April 2009

January 2011 Recent Relaxer:

Red Lips-Happy New Year!

2010-12-31T16:15:00.000-08:00

I've been playing with makeup just recently and i've fallen in love with red lips this season. I found 3 looks that i like.. let me know which is your favorite out of my pics below. And please feel free to share your pics and favorite lipstick shades...

Beyonce's Infallible Lip Color in Beyonce's Red...I'm channeling my Beyonce Fever Look right here..lol

Revlon Matte Lipstick in In the Red.

NARS Terre De Feu from Sephora

When I cake it on.. it comes out darker...

Its Time to Start Blogging about My...

2010-12-29T05:37:00.000-08:00

Music Career!

I know that its a fact. Blogging has helped my hair tremendously. Blogging is going to help me lose 30lbs. And Blogging can only help me piece together my musical career.

As the year ends, i'm faced with some hard realities. I'm working an awesome gig at Exhalespa, where I can make my own schedule and take classes for free. It pays..okay. This gig has gotten me comfortable. I'm focused on work now, and nothing else. At some point I was considering the fact that I might want a position in the company.. maybe a corporate position. But recent events have given me signs that I am truly not made for this spa business.

On the side, I've been working gigs with my vocal cabaret group. And I have gained a lot more performance experience with them. Its been a pleasure being around other talent and artists and learning how their work ethic is. Its kept me motivated to keep music in my life. And as the New Year comes... I've realized that it is essential that I don't have to piece together my life for the next 40 years, but I do need to figure out what path I want to take; I fear that otherwise, my dreams of being a paid and professional singer will slip right through my tiny hands.

So this year, my New Years Resolution is to blog about my hair, makeup,fitness... all the lovely things us girls need to keep updated on. But I will also Blog about what I am doing musically. With hopes that this will keep my career moving forward in full gear. I truly want to end up with a career... not a job or a gig.

Most recently, I read a great blog post by a well-known vocal teacher in NYC. She was frustrated with the desperation of performers who approached her. And she stated the following words...

Panic and desperation do not bode well for success at anything, for anything.

Perhaps it is time to ask ourselves - what do I want and why? And is it feasible to pursue it? And if it doesn't work out, am I comfortable to look at other possibilities?

-susan

I was so intrigued by these questions that I felt it was essential that I went ahead and answered them right now.

What do I want and why?

I truly want to be a paid and professional singer. I want to write my own songs and perform them on stages across the nation and even internationally. I want to collaborate with well-known recording artists and record my own albums. I want to perform in Broadway Musicals as well as be on Film. I want this because The Arts has always felt like "home" to me. In a world where I don't always feel like I belong, Music has invited me in to belong to something. It is my escape from...everything! When I feel pain, or anxiety, or distress, I turn to music as a healer. I want to share my love of music with the world.

Is it feasible to pursue it?

I've always believed it was until I left college and realize that I still didn't have the work ethic or the resources to make this happen. It is feasible, but there is no promise that it will make me any money to survive without a second job. It is feasible but I am in a relationship that means the world to me, and my family is all in NY, which makes me second guess leaving NYC if I ever had to. It is feasible, but there are still some roadblocks that I am afraid I will have to tackle. And I do believe these fears are what are holding me back.

Am I comfortable to look at other possibilities?

Honestly, I feel that if I'm not the one behind the microphone or the pen and paper, then i'm not going to want to stay in the biz. I would prefer to do event planning, or do something with animals, or train in esthetics to aid people in skincare. I have a lot of interests that would make me happy as a career. But I would not be able to pursue anything else than my dreams in Music. And, yes I am comfortable at these possibilities, because I've been honest with myself on what I will and will not do. And that comes genuinely from me..without any influence from anyone else. If I did pursue these other possibilities.. I believe I would be happy because music would never leave, I would still sing when asked to, I would still listen to music that inspires me to make my own music, and I would be in a dance class or something. I know that if it does not become a career, it would still be apart of my everyday life. And yes, I am okay with that. :)

**feasible - adjective
1. capable of being done, effected, or accomplished:

My Hair Care Products

2010-12-24T05:42:00.000-08:00

This year i've accomplished so much more knowledge of my hair. But as of lately, my lifestyle has detracted me from my hair care regimen. I was so close to BSL, but not really sure how my status is. Currently i'm about 12 weeks post relaxer, and i'm ready to step up the hair game once again. I'm starting with revamping my hair care regimen to tackle my hair growth. Today, i'm reviewing my current products to see what is working. What constitutes as a staple and where I am lacking.. here goes!

MY HAIR CARE PRODUCTS REVIEW :

REVIEW KEY:
***** Its a staple
**** Excellent as 2nd choice
*** Not really sure if its working
** Trying to finish it and never purchase again
* Never Will Purchase Again

Shampoos

Hair One Cleansing Conditioner****: for a cleansed scalp but fully conditioned hair. It really does make the cleansing process so much more delightful. My scalp itches less. Mix it with tea tree oil for maximum scalp cleansing.

Creme of Nature***

Moisturizers

HE Long term relationship*****: for soft & moisturized hair. I use it to moisture and seal and I apply to my ends after washing to prepare it for styling.

ORS Moisturizing Lotion*****
Neutrogena Silk Touch leave in: for leave-in creme/rollersets****
Elasta qp mango butter for when i'm stretching***

Conditioners

Aussie Moist***** : Excellent for cowashing. Leaves the hair feeling fully conditioned and not a heavy feeling with product. Smells so good too.

HE Hydralicious****
HE Hello Hydration****
HE Long Term Relationship****
VO5 Strawberries & Cream***

Deep Conditioners

Aussie Moist 3min Deep Conditioner***** :Who needs an expensive deep conditioner when I've got this handy cheapie product. I've tried to look for other deep conditioners that were on the more professional level, but this one still out does everything else. So why fight it? Its a staple for sure, leaves my hair feelings so soft and smooth.. sometimes too soft!

Lustrasilks Mega Cholesterol***

Protein Conditioners

ORS Hair MAYONNAISE***** : It does the job. Hair is strengthened and very conditioned.
ORS Replenishing Pak*****
Vitale Hair Mayo****

Pre-poo

Burts Bees Avocado Pre poo treatment *****: After the 1st treatment I was hooked. It just changes the texture of the hair, everything feels stronger and it feels like it retains moisture more. I love this stuff.. its too bad it comes in such a tiny package, and its expensive, so its difficult to buy sometimes. I might have to try to have a backup pre-poo that works too when i can't afford to buy this beauty.

5 GOALS

2010-12-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

WRITE 5 GOALS FOR YOURSELF

Have my own Video Vixen, sexy & fit body. I want to feel confident with my body.

Improve my beauty routine (skin, makeup, and hair!)

Free myself of past debt.

Complete my first album of my own songs.

Improve my vocal performance so that I can feel vocally free to do whatever I want to do and be 100% confident as a performer.

Motivation

2010-12-17T15:38:00.000-08:00

my favorite quotes from this video

"stop self-loathing"

"the things that people impose on you are not the things that they even expect of themselves"

"sometimes people will never understand your purpose"

"people will try to knock your hustle"

"you have to get to the point where you believe in you"

"move up.. top yourself"

My Weight/Self-Image Journey...through pics

2010-12-08T05:46:00.000-08:00

Back from Syracuse for Thanksgiving.. and I did my Wii fit weigh-in. Come to find out. I gained some lbs. So before I decided to get upset and quit altogether...again!

I did a little reflection. My whole life I've struggled with my self-image. I skimmed through pics of other ladies that I knew since HS, and i started to feel resentment. I see them skinny in hot outfits and singing on stage.. and i'm feeling myself.. fall into that place again.

I gotta keep my eyes on the prize. gotta keep pushing forward.

So I started going through my own pics, and to my amazement, I really enjoyed it. It was cool going through all those memories. But the thing that Boggled me the most was the fact that I realized in all of these pics I was going through a self-image issue, and I look at them now, and i'm like.."I'd do anything to look like that now!" lol

So here's a little review of myself of where i've come from. I think this will motivate me to get back on track.

**I didn't include any pics from HS. but a quick overview between junior high and high school. I always thought i was too fat, and during these years was when I really struggled with the fact if I was even pretty. Its so sad for me to even think of it, I really wish I could go back and just give that young girl a hug, because she really was in so much pain :( (sad face)

weight approx. 135-137. This is a picture of me at my last show in my senior year of hs. I was so disturbed. I was doing this show with my best friend, and I remember just staring at her body, and wishing deep inside that I could just have a flat stomach. I look at this picture and I get so upset. Because there was nothing wrong with me.. I was absolutely just a beautiful 18 year old girl.

weight approx. 132. When i got into college freshman year, i started gaining more confidence about myself. Inf act, it was a dramatic change from when I was in highschool. I was taking a lot of dance classes and the weight was flying off. I got lots of compliments. and i was also booking a lot of shows. I was fitting into clothing styles that I never thought would look good on me. I was able to stand up for myself and I was more confident with my personal and life choices. For some reason this one year, I had a lot of drama, but I really was unstoppable. I was gaining lots of friends and just feeling so good about myself. My weight was not much of a problem for me at the time. ----> And the funny thing was that I wasn't focused on losing weight at this time.. it was just coming off!

weight approx 132. again freshman year. The first time since I was prob like 8 since I was feeling okay with my weight. lol

weight approx. 137-140. I had started getting more involved at school in the student government. I was realizing my potential on what I could really do besides music. But I was upset that I had gained back the weight that I had been able to lose. And the hateful cycle was starting to bud again.

again... i look at these pictures and i'm just so mad.. cause i think i just look beautiful. too bad ...

weight approx. 142lbs. I was starting to get involved sexually.. i can't remember if it was exactly this time.. but it was either just after this or during this time. I had put on my first fashion show at college as President of a student government organization. But the hate bug had settled in by now. I was losing friendships because of my leadership. And I was feeling insecure being around all the beautiful model girls.

weight approx. 142-145lbs. I had begun talking to my ex, but also had met a new guy. I wanted him to come.. but he chose to go see some other chick(who will remain nameless) in the same role upstate. I was happy he didn't come. I felt like I had gotten my dream role, but was really too fat to do it. I remember looking at pictures of myself after the show was over and just thinking i looked horrible.I honestly look at this pic and just want to bitch slap myself. Like seriously, i'm doing what I love to do! Hopefully, when I get to play this dream role again on a bigger stage, I will have more self-confidence.

weight approx. 146lbs. At this point I was in a full fledge relationship. --> with the new guy. I felt like it was time, but slowly I was losing more friends because of my new relationship. And I was feeling more and more insecure as it progressed. As much as I want to now blame it on him, I think even though I had never dealt with a guy before.. I wasn't ready. He wasn't perfect..and did cause some trouble, but any relationship at this point in my life would have triggered this insecurity. The truth is, I still had not dealt with a lot of my self-image issues. Maybe I had thought it all went away with that beautiful freshman year. But it didn't. I was starting to feel like my old Highschool days..starting to feel a little ugly. I was a little bummy. I wore grungy clothes. Now that I think of it, theres nothing with having two looks.. grungy sometimes and glammed other times. I wish I had glammed up a little more on my off days.. it might have been a good self-reinforcement.

I remember this day and it was one of the days when I just fell in a complete black hole. As an RA, I was on a retreat and we were all climbing the rock wall. I was the only one who didn't make it to the top. I felt like shit. I felt like I was unworthy of a relationship.. or of feeling pretty.

weight approx. 147-148lbs. Music always has a way of keeping me sane. I felt like I was gaining more experience as a performer, but not getting enough acknowledgement. I felt like if I could just lose these last 20lbs, people would start to take me seriously. But I had a lot of growing up to do. My recital night was the night that I told my mother I had lost my virginity. I was like 21, but she was upset. And her being upset made me feel like a failure. Even though, I look back at it and i'm proud of myself for telling my mom... ive always felt like a real child, like i couldn't tell her. But I was now an adult woman. It was time to let her know the truth. plus, its not like i had lost my virginity at 14, I was 21! I still feel like she was wrong for being upset about this. but what can you do?

weight approx. 147-148lbs. At this time my relationship was getting rocky. My insecurities were showing face. And I had to break up with someone that I really loved. But it was obvious. I wasn't loving myself properly. And it took us getting back together, breaking up again, and then getting back together, and then breaking up again, to realize that i was losing myself in this relationship.

when we did get back together..and we still are. I told him that what we had before was important, but I needed to start refreshed. I needed to be in a different relationship..one that was more supportive. And he has been that way ever since. He has given me room to really be myself and to grow more

weight approx. 155lbs I was in the midst of beginning my Hair Journey. I did still stay quite grungy most of the time.But i've done lots of self reflection. And started discovering for myself where self love really comes from. At this point, I started getting really Obsessed with Beyonce..lol. Not just because of her looks, but her life. And I started refocusing my life. If I wanted to still be a performer it was time to figure out how to start getting back on track.

weight approx. 160lbs. I have gained great philosophies on my self image. But I have gained more bad habits than good ones. I'm still with my current bf, who still gives me the support that I need. I'm feeling more and more beautiful from the inside out. I just want to fix my outside now. I think i just indulge more than I should.

weight approx. 163lbs. Sometimes my pain body wants me to feel like shit. And tell me I've gained a whole 20lbs since Ive been with my bf, and he isn't going to stay with me if I keep gaining. But i'm fighting all my might with all that I've learned to not allow those horrible and negative ideas be the foundation of my weightloss. I want to go back to those freshman days, when working out was ballet and dance. When weight loss wasn't something that I watched but just happened for me. I know I will have to work hard though to get to that point. And i'm willing to do it. I am. And honestly, even at 40lbs overweight. I still think I look good!

Its wonderful to see how far i've come. I'm still overweight and more overweight than ever before. But I'm growing closer and closer to true self love. And thats the part that I love the most. I don't want to gain anymore weight. My goal is to get to 122lbs and then beable to fluctute 5lbs more or less... I'm allowed to haveglamourous days and grungy days. If I can get to a healthier weight than I can truly take advantage of both lifestyles comfortably. lol.

I am most excited for the day when I come back and show photos after I have succeeded in my weight loss journey.

SPA SKIN: Sircuit Mocha Loca

2010-11-22T04:33:00.000-08:00

If you didn't know, i've been working at a Spa for about a year and a half. I've been exposed to some exceptional SPA SKIN Products and I'll be going forth with review on products and ingredient spotlights to add to my own skincare dictionary.

Right now, i'll only be covering the Products that I adore. I'm not sure if its helpful to mention the ones that I don't really care for.

Today I am researching Lactic Acid Peels. Here's what my research has discovered.

A lactic Acid Peel is a great way to get quality SKINCARE. It helps to promote good skin health, helps aid acne scarring to even out the color of your skin and overall provides a younger healthier skin appearance.

A lactic Acid Peel is less intense than a stronger peel like glycolic acid. Its the more natural way to go when it comes to choosing an ACID PEEL.

Today I tested out a wonderfully rich peel-like mask by the Los Angeles originated SIRCUIT skincare line. MOCHA LOCA.

See Below for details ;)

Details:
Mocha Loca™ is a potent, Chirally Correct (4%) Lactic Acid peel. Enriched with numerous active ingredients and powerful antioxidants, including Horse Chestnut, Green Tea and Grape Seed Extract that all help to protect against the harmful effects of free radical damage that can result in accelerated aging. This emollient formula softens comedones, and the natural cocoa and organic ground coffee make it smell sinfully delicious leaving you with a beautiful, radiant complexion! Suitable for all skin types. Bestseller!

Featured ingredients:

L-Lactic Acid ( 4%) - Chirally Correct Alpha Hydroxy Acid, exfoliates, softens skin.
Albumen – a protein derived from egg whites, nourishing, firming.
Squalane – from olives, emollient.
Vitamin E (D-AlphaTocopherol) -Chirally Correct Vitamin E and the most effective form, antioxidant.
Grape Seed Extract – antioxidant.
Borage Oil – emollient, soothing, rich in fatty acids.
Coffee Oil - antioxidant.
Horse Chestnut Bark Extract – antioxidant.
Meadowfoam Seed – soothing.
Hazelnut Oil - emollient.
Organic Ground Coffee – contains caffeine. (see caffeine below)
Green Tea Extract – antioxidant, anti-aging.
Caffeine – antioxidant.
Cocoa – powerful antioxidant.

12 Days Later...

2010-11-12T15:23:00.001-08:00

I've come up with a plan... and its different. And I think it might help me. I think.

Just did a weigh-in two days ago with my Wii Fit.
My last check in was 12 days ago and it was 163lbs. My check in two days ago put me at 159lbs! Which means that with just a little bit of consciousness on what I want to do.. i can progress.

My Wii Fit is great because it calculates my BMI and does an accurate Weight Reading.. (as long as i weigh myself on the same day and time that i did on the last weigh-in).

There are lots of cool games that really focus on balance, cardio, yoga, and strength training. I honestly don't feel like I get a tough workout, but they are good games to keep your body active.
I think my Wii Fit might be able to help me with my goals..

I recently read in the latest SELF Magazine about the difference between how Men workout and lose weight and how Women do it. There were many differences, but the one thing that stuck out most to me was that MEN don't measure their Happiness on how much weight they are losing. They measure their content their Fitness Performance. Which means that they are constantly challenging themselves harder than they did the last time they worked out. This makes so much sense to me! And its actually more motivating.. because its hard to watch your weight. Your weight fluctuates and its almost like waiting for a pot to boil... OR FOR YOUR HAIR TO GROW.. lol.

But measuring your performance? That is something that you can see differences right away. And if you don't like it.. you can just push yourself harder. WOW! I love this idea.
Before you know it, you are performing well in your exercise of choice, and you are losing weight!-->its like a side effect, instead of a main focus.

Kind of reminds me of my Hair Journey.. cause it was so annoying looking for your hair to grow, but if you just focus on the products you are using and the methods that work for your hair.. before you know it... your hair has grown!

So..after all that babbling, what i've come up with is a challenge just for me.

A Wii FIT Challenge.

The challenge includes...
Using my Wii Fit as a measuring tool.

Play with my Wii Fit 1-2x a week (not including measuring)

Take a fitness routine of my own choosing 2-3x a week.

(Core Fusion/Dance/Yoga/Gym)

There are no real requirements here... except to workout at least 3x a week

at a workout of my own choosing.

If I want to challenge myself, i'll do core, if i want an easy workout, i'll do my wii fit, if i want some stretching, i'll go for yoga, if i want to workout with the bf, i'll gym it, and if i want to improve my skills for auditioning, i'll take some dance classes. :)

I like the idea of having options depending on how i'm feeling.

My goal is to improve my overall Metobolic rate.

Challenge Ends... ? Not sure yet :) hehe

My Weigh-In:

159lbs

Introducing...

2010-11-04T16:38:00.000-07:00

FRUITS & VEGETABLES!

After being very aware of the food that I have been eating these past few days, i'm gonna take it slow. First things first, implementing more fruits and vegetables into my diet. So BF and I had a discussion about focusing on one APPLE a day!

Also we aren't the best of cooks yet, but its very easy to add in some carrots, sweet potatoes and prepare easy salads.

So i'll be checking into my blog to see how i'm doing with my frutis and veggies in take. I think its good to start simple and with the things that I know are effective and familiar.

Whats SO Great about LOSING WEIGHT??

2010-11-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

As we Fall deeper into Autumn, its time for me to address the PINK ELEPHANT in the room.

None of my clothes Fit! None.
And i've always been a little chunky; my whole life. Always in some sort of fitness program to lose weight and never quite making the cut. But NEVER had I had the experience of none of the pants in my closet not being able to zip up or any of my shirts buttoning up. Even my jacket can't zip up without me feeling like I can't breathe!

Its actually kind of funny. :) I'm surprised, cause I thought if I ever reached this point i'd be so depressed. But, today i'm not feeling that way. I'm just feeling like its time for me to get it together. What is "it"? ---->My lifestyle! Not even my weight, just the way that I live and the way that I take care of myself. I really want to learn how to take good care of myself!

I am beginning to accept and realize that it is truly a lifestyle change that I need to focus on.

I do want to lose weight,

but I don't want all of it come back again.

I do want to eat right,

but I don't want to starve myself or feel deprived of my favorite foods.

I do want to workout,

but I don't want to continue to aspire to have someone else's body; because thats just damn near impossible. And I've accepted that. In fact, i'm kind of happy about it; and relieved.

I've mentioned this before, but I think i'm obsessed with the BEFORE/AFTER status. I'm about to go a lil Eckhart Tolle for a minute, but I believe the "pain-body" within me, doesn't believe that i can actually achieve this. Or even, that if I did achieve my weight loss goal, I still would be un-happy with how my body looks.

I don't know.. there is something within me that craves that pain..that craves to fail.. sometimes I think, i'm not FAT enough to make a complete transformation. Its like I want to hit rock bottom and really feel that pain, AND then Lose the Weight so that I feel like I've truly accomplished something. Im addicted to the success stories.... Do I feel like I only deserve to be hurt? .. I don't think so. I don't think its that serious. Maybe I just don't feel like I deserve to be fit and happy with my body. And so the idea of getting bigger to lose weight, seems more appealing...because at least I would successfully be able to say that I lost a ton of weight; especially if i'm not happy with how my body shape turns out.

How can I get myself out of this rut? How do I avoid hitting ROCK BOTTOM, when I feel that there is something inside of me that actually wants to go there?

I WOULD love to just accomplish this goal, but it seems as if i'm okay with heading towards a downward spiraled fall. But I know that if I really went there, i'd be totally depressed. And my life would probably change dramatically. Maybe if I can realize that. Just that. Then I can pull myself out of this Rut. I don't want to get any fatter... excuse me *getting choked up here..* I don't want to be unhealthy anymore.

I do want to lose weight, but I know that my self-esteem doesn't depend on that. Its essential that I work on that right now. Today in fact, reinforcing the value of myself to myself. And its just come to me... that when it all comes down to it. To the core of the problem.. ITS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT! ITS NOT.

Because if i was to lose 40lbs today, I will still be unhappy.

Its deeper than that. And I guess its time to investigate.

I don't want to get any worse and then feel more accomplished. It actually doesn't even make any sense. I don't want to do that... I don't i don't i don't. I don't want to hit rock bottom. I really want to get better NOW.

I know that losing weight isn't everything. But I want to do it because I know i've been battling it my whole life. I want to do it because I want to fit back into my clothes again, and feel unlimited with any fashion choices. I want to feel good about myself..like honestly feel good about myself and my accomplishment. I want to feel sexy..and feel like I look that way too.

I am also beginning to accept and realize that this will not be an overnight thing. In fact, it never has been. All of my mistakes, failures, and research has brought me here, to understanding that I need to fail in order to learn how to succeed.

So Whats so great about losing weight? Well, it would mean the world to me to finally accomplish this. And it would mean that my body is healthier, and i'm limit-less on more of the things I want to do in the future. But its not the END ALL, in fact it is only the beginning...

Weight Check in: 163lbs

I THINK I'M GONNA GET IT!

2010-10-27T18:58:00.001-07:00

Getting into some Makeup these days! And i've been visiting Sephora and Trying on their Matte Lipsticks.... LOVE EM! LOVE LOVE LOVE EM! And these babies are priced at $25. Most Ladies on the youtube and networks are buying buying, but I don't have the budget to buy. But I might have to splurge because I absolutely love this color on me. And if I wear it for the entire season (WHICH I PLAN TO!) Then it will be worth the $$.

I can't believe I'm starting to enjoy this Makeup thing!

This is me using the TERRE DE FEU.

Jamaican Black Castor Oil

2010-10-25T08:11:00.000-07:00

The JBCO Challenge has begun on Hairlista,
And I will be apart of it this time around..and complete it!

I've heard so many good things about this stuff...

I will be doing the BASIC LEVEL: Apply Castor Oil to your Scalp 2x a week

Stay tuned: I will be posting Day 1 Pics !

Autumn Changes

2010-10-25T07:57:00.000-07:00

I've Never felt so in Love with Autumn before!

This year, this season has truly touched my heart.

I'm Learning so much about myself, and I feel more confident to tackle everything that I want to do in my life!

I hope this Season will be such a blessing for you as well!

Stay tuned..as I make my way towards my dreams!

Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayonnaise

2010-10-11T05:39:00.000-07:00

New Product Review: Vitale Olive Oil Hair Mayo

Well as you may know.. I'm about 15 weeks post relaxer. Due to circumstances not under my control, i've had to hold out on my relaxer. And due to extra summer growth, i'm battling some serious new growth.

Because of my much-needed but expensive cruise trip, I haven't been able to update my Hair products, and have basically run out of the bare essentials. So starting from scratch, i'm on a mission to finalize my staple products; preferrably giving myself two options to choose from.

Because of the state of my hair; needing much protein.. I decided to try this conditioner as a protein treatment.

Promises: Enriched with Natural botanical extracts, oat protein, vitamins, egg protein, and olive oil to intensively condition, moiturize, and strengthen damaged hair and over processed hair. It renews weak fragile hair, leaving it healthy looking with shine, with elasticity and moisture.

My take so far: I have only used the product once so far, and I find it very similar to the ORS Hair Mayo.--Not sure which one is best.. might have to test this out in some way for the future.

I really enjoyed the way my hair reacted to this product. However my hair was in a very distressed state.. it was very dry, tangled and basically unmanageable. The instant I applied this product, I could feel how thick and rich it was. My bf loved the smell! I left it in my hair for about 60min.. even though the instructions said 10min.. I really wanted to do a deep treatment due to the state of my hair.

When I washed it out, it felt like completely different hair. My hair sucked up all the moisture and ingredients, it felt full, thick and even heavy.
So far so good with this product. I'll probably come back and decide how I really like it after i've used it a few more times with different methods.

I heard about this product from Sunshyne from the Hairlicious site, however...she says that its a light protein. I don't know how this could be light with all of the protein ingredients in it.. so i'll have to also investigate what makes a product light or medium protein..??

The Female Brain

2010-10-11T04:25:00.000-07:00

Good Morning,

And a happy Monday. As I finish off my morning coffee, i'm so ecstatic to record my new and latest obsession! Its a wonderful book called "The Female Brain" by Louann Brizendine

There are many books out there that attempt to clearly target the differences between men and women. Most of the books like "Act Like a Lady Think like a Man" by Steve Harvey and "Conversations" by Hill Harper, cover the behaviors and how we can co-exist; which is wonderful! However, What Dr. Brizendine does is a little different. The Female Brain basically breaks down the scientific maturation of a females brain from infancy to mature age. [The heart of the book talks about how a woman's perception of reality is altered by the hormones that accompany major changes. (A. Wagner)] This book lightly covers the difference between Men and Women brain chemistry and behavior differences, but mainly focuses on the women's perceptions.

Although it seems to be bringing forth much controversy in critical thinkers and other doctors of Neuroscience, I personally love what she does for us women in this book. By following the brain functions of a woman and how her hormonal changes can affect her mental and physical choices, you are able to understand yourself more as a women. While reading the chapters on the what the female brain goes through during the Teenage years or the chapter on The Female Brain on Sex, I found myself thinking, "Wow.. I thought I was crazy and that I was the one who had these moments and thoughts .. but many women go through the same exact thing!"

I will keep this book with me and continue to reference it against my other findings in my life as a whole. However, I really enjoyed the feeling of feeling like I was more connected as a woman. While reading the scientific breakdown of how the brain functions differently in women vs men, Ive already started to feel more comfortable and confident in myself. We are often schooled on Men and how men think, (Dr. Brizendine actually covers this in her 2nd book "The Male Brain", which I will be reading next)--however we seldom view world of a Woman; in which I feel this book successfully does. If you want to learn a little more about yourself and your body, I highly recommend this book. I also think it is beneficial to share with your brothers, boyfriends, husbands and other male counterparts. I believe the way it is written will speak to them on a logical scientific term based on facts; Not to mention.. that they'll really get an idea of what you go through on a regular basis and can begin to understand again.. The World of a Woman.

What I did This Weekend

2010-10-02T21:44:00.001-07:00

This weekend is turning out to be quite a stressful one...
I had a few disappointments..including the fact that I don't have any money to perm my hair...

I am now 15 weeks post relaxer! And i've run out of my basic essentials... like conditioner!!

So today, I buckled down and tried to tame this mop that is growing out of my head..lol

Wild and frizzy hair. The roots are fully growing out and are very unmanageable.

My hair is air dried from a co-wash about 3 days ago.

The products I used (because they are the only ones I have left..)

are Hollywood Beauty Carrot Creme,

Hollywood Beauty Castor Oil,

And 100% Pure Aloe Vera Gel

I applied the Carrot Creme to my ends and my new growth and sealed with the castor oil.

I applied the Aloe Vera Gel to the crown.

I tied down my hair for 30min. Before I went to rehearsal.

Final Result. Bun for the rest of the day.

I'm Back!

2010-09-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

I know i've been gone for a minnnnute!

But i've missed my random chants of blogging.. and i'm back to take the blog world by storm! HAHA.

The Autumn Season has begun and i've got so much going on..and i'd love to share!

To celebrate, here is my fav girl.. BEY! She stopped in jersey and was dancing in the street!

I love her.. I really do!

restless....

2010-07-20T01:29:00.000-07:00

Pretty In Pink

2010-06-25T05:31:00.000-07:00

This Lovely Look By Miss Solange is Soooooooooooo Cute!

I must say, I love the Hair, the way the pink compliments her skin tone. She looks like the ultimate icon of ..Beautiful Black Babe /Summer 2010! Haha.

I am inspired to re-create this look for my summer fun and bahamian cruise in end of aug/beg sept.

.. this is really quite a SUMMER look!

What I'll need...
A figure shaping, pink dress.
nude Shoes..
Curly Hair...Braid out Anyone?

STAY Tuned as I work on finding this look!

I FEEL FULL

2010-06-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Today I had a bottle of water, breakfast, and now consuming lunch.. I am feeling it! I am feeling that I am full! And I haven't finished my lunch yet!

So what does this mean?.. For me.. I can be in tune with my body. Right now its telling me that its had enough.. that it can't fit any more.. and I can't help but not listen.

How many times over all these years had I stuffed my stomach beyond its capacity?

Well the stuffing ends! .. today.

This is a new stepping stone for me.. to really be aware of what my body is telling me.

Summer 's Bucket List

2010-06-21T06:29:00.000-07:00

SUMMER 2010.. has arrived!

...And already off to a great start.

What can I say..?

I am more grateful than ever before...

And I plan to embrace this Summer to its fullest potential!

This Summer im gonna...

-take lots and lots of pictures..cause my facebook photo album is a disgrace!

-visit old friends..that I really want to see

-forget about friends that weren't really friends in the 1st place

-accept the past... embrace the present

-take lots of trips to the beach

- find cheap/free summer fun events

-work hard for the $$..but don't overwork myself into misery

-dance dance dance..! because its not really exercise if you're havin fun

-play with makeup

-Continue Hair Journey..BSL here i come!

-try new things..anything..as long as ive never tried it before!

-make music fun again

-cruise to bahamas

-bike riding

-wear a bikini -->now thats new!

-read when i feel like it

-plan (ahead) how to get my singing career to the next level (3month-6month plan)

-spend less time on the internet.. less facebook. living through other people's lives is so not my style anymore

-buy more dresses

-wear the dresses I buy

-smile more...especially during the times when I don't feel like it

-complete my summer fitness challenge on the hair boards.. its not over yet!

-find ways to enjoy my time w/0 spending $

-save $

-pay off some debt.. some

-learn how to fight...

-redecorate my home

-have that honest talk w/dad

-have that honest talk w/mom

-write music..for no particular reason..and with no deadline

-look for more work.. exhale is cool and all..but time for another upgrade?

-upgrade my phone

-take my boyfriend out on suprise dates

-finally book that counseling session.. get help

-go see some live stage shows.. its been a while

-when in doubt.. be grateful

-don't forget to have as much fun..as possible!!

-go out w/o the bf...cuz its time now

Reflections..

2010-06-11T05:34:00.000-07:00

Most of my life thus far.. has been filled with fun, exploration, amazement, surprise, pain, happiness...
Most of my days thus far ...has been filled with self imagery, self-help.. and self awareness...

I am grateful for life and what has come with it. And now I wish to BE present.. and Open to whatever comes my way.

Life is not what you plan of it.. and barely what you dream of it.. but how you make of it.
I'm excited. :)

Kind Thoughts

2010-06-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

Choosing Kind Thoughts.. Until the Confidence Comes.. :)

After diving in to Women Food and God, I am realizing how differently I would like to take my weight loss journey; more different than any other attempt before. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional issues this week.. and I've become more than aware of my link of emotional eating. I've been aware of it.. of course.. but finding a way to stop it is the next step. Because honestly, eating when you are not hungry.. means that there is something wrong. Its absolutely unnatural. And I imagine myself on the better path to more balance in my life.

Geneen Roth mentions in Women Food and God that you have to start trusting yourself and your own instincts about what your body wants. You have to learn to listen to your own body. And what I've come to accept is that for most of my life.. I have been harming myself mentally.. by wishing I was something that I am not. Wishing I had so and so's body shape..and looking in the mirror and not loving what I see back. I've been living in a false reality..and I'm ready to wake up.

So the question is.. can I trust myself yet? All of my impulses go back to what my mind is conditioned to think.. that I need to lose weight.. to get pretty and sexy.. because thats what I'm not. And only when you are physically attractive are you worth anything

----> This has been my belief system for so much of my life. And as much as I want it to stop right now.. it is conditioned. I feel like to "trust myself" will lead me back to regular abusive thoughts and bad habits.

But I think I can hold onto the concept of treating myself kindly. As if I am a child that deserves good love health and support. Theres no beating around the bush.. I want to lose weight!!! ..But the right way.

Tropical Summer Eye Look and Mermaid Look

2010-06-09T06:04:00.000-07:00

A really cute Tropical Summer Look.. with cheap products..

i likeh er vids.. she's really nice and is thorough with showing how she applies her makeup. will try this look.. maybe for my trip in august.

A New Find

2010-06-07T04:24:00.000-07:00

Good Morning Blogger.. my I haven't visited you in a while. But I am just dying to journal about my new discovery.. nope its not a cool gadget, or a new website.. its a book! ... A more than delightful read.. a book that has really helped me to tap into my relationship with food. Written by Geneen Roth, I heard about "Women Food and God" when Ms. Roth was a guest on the Oprah Show.

As a former dieter, and a woman who has struggled with weight issues since.. dayumm..like age 9!.. I have constantly battled with my self-image and I see that there are even more layers that may need to be pulled away in order for me to really understand why I overeat...WOMEN FOOD AND GOD, is a guideline book that taps into a real weight loss journey.. that has less to do with food and more to do with your relationship with your inner spirituality..and what some may call God.

I can't really say that I have become a full on- Guru. I'm still in the early stages of figuring this all out with myself. I am currently dealing with inner battles of a conditioned mind. But I am truly attached to some of the basic ideas in this book.

What I'm learning the most right now... Is THAT treating yourself with kindness is ALWAYS the way to go. And Dieting is not kind.

I welcome myself.. through a new gate on this weight loss journey.

I highlighted this quote yesterday from the book, and I would love to share it..

"The shape of your body obeys the shape of your beliefs about love, value and possibility. To change your body, you must first understand that which is shaping it. Not fight it. Not force it. Not deprive it. Not shame it. Not do anything but accept--and yes--understand it. Because if you force and deprive and shame yourself into being thin, you end up a deprived, shamed, fearful person who will also be thin for ten minutes."

--Geneen Roth "Women Food and God"

The Doughnut Bun

2010-05-26T18:16:00.000-07:00

So.. I'm on the Bunning Challenge.. but urrrgghhh my hair is depressing me.. cause my buns are hideous! I mean.. I love this challenge.. and I know I can reap serious benefits.. but really.. My buns are not cute and I really want to be cute..lolz. So I discovered the doughnut bun..and I really think its a cute style that makes your hair look really full and cute..and if I can sustain this bun and keep the ends tucked.. I can still accomplish everything at once

Healthy Bunning + Cute Style = Doughnut Bun..

Getting the Straight Look...

2010-04-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

HAIR STYLIN' WOES!!!

MY HAIR IS GETTING THE HIGH GRADE TREATMENT..IT IS LOOKING SO VERYT THICK AND LUSCIOUS..BUT ITS NOT LOOKING LIKE MY FAV HAIRLISTAS ..CHECK OUT THEIR DO'S....

My hair is below.. I've tried a blow out one month..the Other month i've done a saran wrap for 3 weeks..but still its just not looking as good. And so...why am i gonna have relaxed hair if i can't get the neutral straight look style?

While on the Bunning Challenge on KISS. I am challenging myself to get better at my straight styles. I bun my hair 5days out of the week, and two days out of the week I wear it down. So i'm going to try different styling techniques and post what i did along with results.

We are going to get down to the bottom of this!

Get A BETTER BUTT!

2010-04-02T13:42:00.001-07:00

Here are some at-home workouts Just for the Booty..if you want to lift, tone, and get it bigger..do these at home 2x a day 2-3x a Week!

*Do 4 sets of 10-to-20 reps of JUST ONE of these exercises...

Butt& Hip Thrusts

Butt Bridge

To get more info on how to do this move properly click here..
http://www.nowloss.com/exercise-to-build-bigger-butt-muscles-faster.htm

Get A Round but using a pillow on your Bed.

After you've done 1 of the 4 Bigger butt exercises above...*Do 5-to-7 sets of 5-to-10 reps of ONE of the these butt exercises...

Bulgarian Split Squat

Side Step Up

Single Leg Squat with One Leg Support

Single Leg Squat with No Support

Extra Sexy Booty Moves..

For A Work Out Plan for Weeks 1-5 click here..
http://www.nowloss.com/workout-plan-for-big-butt-like-jennifer-lopez.htm

Staying Grounded...

2010-04-01T10:49:00.000-07:00

I have recognized that I can only do what I can do. If people are not going to be committed to the same things I am..then I might just have to go without them. I deeply want my friends and colleagues to join me on my Hair AND Body Transformation..but even though they say interest..they aren't really trying to do things the way that I am. I guess a journey solely belongs to you..and their journey is not the same as mine. So I recognize that I am going to continue..I have accomplished a lot when it comes to my hair and work out regimen...but I can see the goals ahead of me..and i'm not there yet. Today I'm making a vow to find my support group, but to really focus on myself at this point.

The Journey only gets harder from here on out..and I really need to stay focused on the important things. I cannot let anyone or anything distract me. So maybe next week, it'll be best if I just go to class, do my own hair..and not invite anyone else to join me...cause they just don't seem to care anyway.

A new Inspirational Video by Beautiful Brown BabyDoll..I will be posting this later.

Summer Fitness Challenge

2010-03-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

i've started a summer fitness challenge on the hair boards to help me along on this transformation challenge @ work. to join click link here! http://hairlista.ning.com/group/summerfitnesschallenge

MY TWO FAV GIRLS PERFORMED IN NYC and i'm so inspired!

off to do some cardio!