Merry? Christmas

I don't know what it is. But i'm not feeling very happy today.
However, i'm lying. I do know what it is.

I'm angry. And its evolving into a monster that is out of control.

I wish Eckert Tolle was her to calm me the fuck down.

I can't believe it, but my cousin Alex has passed away.

She was 22 years old.

How crazy is that?

I remember Alex so clearly.

She and I were singers. She was a cutie. A beautiful honey-toned girl who loved life and boys.
Or atleast the attention boys gave her.
She was smart, charismatic, and so much fun.

I remember us singing on stage together. I remember us laughing, playing, having fun.

I missed her when she left.
And I could tell very quickly that we weren't necessarily growing apart.
But growing up in two different worlds.

She ran away.
Ended up stripping in a club in the south somewhere.

I heard last that she had a baby a while ago.
And today...I heard that she passed away at the tender age of 22.
She was diagnosed with Aids.

I'm so shocked I don't know what to do.
It just doesn't feel like Christmas this year.
And i'm not in the mood to put up with being around any family that requires me to smile.
And i'm not in the mood to put up with this dirty place.
And i'm not in the mood to put up with my selfish bf...who leaves this place junky to go play with his friends.

And i'm definetly not in the mood for Santa.

I wish I could do something.
Run. away.
Go to a bar.
Go to a museum.
Just do something to get my mind off of this pain.

I can't believe a life has been taken away, and we all are so joyous, forgetting about her, about what she has lost.

I don't know.
I guess, since no one is listening.
I'll go talk to my bottle of Bailey Irish Rum Cream. yum.
and a merryfuckingchristmas.