Sunday, November 16, 2008
HOW DO I FEEL?
I haven't even started yoga yet...AND STILL....
TODAY I FEEL SOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD.
I had a great day and night today! And I just feel rejuvenated (spel?)
I feel POWERFUL. I remember this feeling. I've only had it in mere moments in my life. But its the best feeling in the world. Even more so, I'm not skinny or pretty yet.lol. I've got no money in my pocket, but I just feel so good I feel like screaming! I'm so excited for myself.
Today, it doesn't matter how pretty OR uN-pretty I am. I'm just happy to be BREATHING. I feel like a burst of energy. Like i've been filled up with all these gifts, and all this love, and all this PASSION. It's always been in me. But I needed a Trial. I needed to go through it. I still DO. And I probably still will GO THROUGH TRIALS. But I needed this Trial. I needed to lose the BF, Lose the friends, lose my faith in my parents, lose Faith in myself....
So that I could sit up at this computer one day..and no longer feel tears of PAIN. But of Joy! Of Life! I just want to chew on every ounce of life that I have left for me. I look at myself, and how i've been...for not just the past months or two years...But how I've been through High school and COLLEGE......I've been so Bad. So not in tune with myself. I've not been taking good care of me. INSIDE AND OUT.
I don't know what it is. It might've been the night. It might be the promise of tomorrow's class. But something just feels different this time. It doesn't feel like i'm motivated to be ANYTHING, But just ME. I'm motivated to enjoy me. I've been cherishing the legs and booty and BODY of otherS. I've been cherishing the life of others...and NOT MY OWN. And I'm looking at myself and saying...NO MORE.
Today I wrote on Facebook, "THATS ENUFF. ITS MY TURN" And I mean it. No more of my sulking wanting to be someONE that I'm not. I'm not going to look at pictures of other people anymore and label them "beautiful" "Iwantthis" and "Iwish".
I'm going to upload all of my pictures and label them...
..and so on.
I'm going to write write write.....beautiful. Pretty. Gorgeous. All over me. Until I FORCE even the little depressed devil within Me to BELIEVE IT.
I'm not longer the victim.
Even more. No one had to tell me. I had to teach myself to not only NOT BE THE VICTIM. BUT TO NOT WANT TO BE THE VICTIM.
I no longer Desire to be the Victim, but the VICTOR. THE VICTORIOUS ONE.
Me? yes. me.