a lull....

I've been on a hiatus from my blog due to recent events!!!

i received a promotion at my job. go figure.

its been a rocky few weeks and I've been feeling so exhausted.

No time for myself.. no time for beauty hair, exercise nothing.

How do i GET back on track..?

iTs the most popular line i use on this blog. And its what i'll do time and time again.

i'm feeling pretty down. last summer i was really onto something. But as career moves seem to be flying off the handle...so is my care for myself.

all i want is to feel like i've got a handle of myself and of my life.

but every time i feel like i've almost got a grasp...things just slip through.

baby steps i guess...baby steps back.

stuck

feeling stuck today. Feeling stumped. like i'm not going any where and i'm going in circles. I think its my ego telling me whats stirring inside. I want to blame it on my circumstances...its not written in the stars for me a star player. So do I just do whats given to me and let go of my dreams?

I want to be everything I can possibly dream I can be and eat my cake with it too. But i'm just a dreamer...

The Real Journey Begins...

There is nothing better to me.. than seeing the road ahead. Something like this picture. The beautiful terrain ahead that you will have to tread in order to get to your destination. You might be scared, you might not be totally prepared, but you have no choice but to take the path forward. I look at this picture and I think of my life.

I think about my desires to lose weight and be healthy. And as I really partake in this new lifestyle.. I find that I am still missing that one thing..That one thing outside of healthy eating and exercising that is going to make me at my healthiest. And that is doing what I love to do.

My current work situation is not allowing me to walk the path. In fact, I feel entrapped, encaged, a prisoner to the mentality that I have to work hard for my money and work hard for my dreams. And yet, it is an endless cycle of work / pay bills / dream / work / pay bills /and dream some more. I realize that if I do not finally take a hold of my life and go for my dreams... I might never really be healthy.

The Body needs and craves nutrients. But it also needs a fulfillment of the soul, a mental and emotional fulfillment to know that it is meeting its purpose in life. I sit back and am astounded at the amount of people who are not living to their life's potential. Who are stuck in a "i gotta make money to survive" mentality. Its not right. This is not how life is supposed to be.

Well i'm done with it. I'm done with living miserably and only dreaming about what could be, while I collect BS checks from a corporation who gives not nearly two shits about my well being or my "journey".

The only person who can take the journey is me...
The only one who can take the first step is me...
The only person who can gain the faith to LEAP... is ME.

Its time now to stop surviving. And to start really living. This .. I believe.. will put me at my MOST healthiest. till next time.

Work Revelations

There have been some crazy things going on at work and now it is time for me to just get it off my chest. After reading "The power of now" -- where Eckhart Tolle discusses some essential points about the "pain body". I've been able to take a step back and recognize the part that I have been playing in all the stuff at work.

There is finally a new position opening up, a position that I have been keeping my eye on for a while now. But it is funny that now it is here, it is really not the right time for me to even apply. Why? Well, i could say that my horoscope says Mercury is in Retrograde and I have been advised by spiritual leaders to avoid making any commitment and signing contracts. But if i really think about it, i do not need this as an excuse. The events coming up to this open position have all been very negative. A boss that is unwilling to budge from her point of view and who will not be open to improvements in the way that she runs things. To me having to speak to someone above her head, to her getting reprimanded to this position finally opening up. i've realized that i have entangled myself into a WEB of Negativity. I have had to tell on her, fight for my reasons, and still look like the fool at the end. Most importantly, i am a witness to the resentment and the negative feelings towards to the owners of this company. With all this being said, as much as I thought i should go for this position, for it would ensure me more $ and then I can prove that i am worth the position...... I am having the epiphany that this is the wrong mindset to have. And unfortunately, this position is not worth it. I have to be truthful to myself.... do i want to be a spa director? Is this position putting me in the place that i want to be to fulfill my career dreams? No, its not.. If anything I would still be playing AND Losing the same game. The game of me proving to these people of how good and worthy I am. And i am truly tired of playing this game. And the truth is that i'll never really win either.

In music, there is no reason for me to prove to anything or anyone how worthy i am. In music, I fit in just nicely and it is where i AM MOST HAPPY. it is where I belong, and it is what i should be challenging myself in. Taking this job (if it would even be offered to me) would get me no where. Maybe more $... but no where else. I think I find another place to put my energy into. And something more worth MY time to challenge myself in... and thats my music. My dynasty. So I am going to let go of applying for this job, even though i have wanted to be in this position for so long... everything that has happened is proof to me that this is not the way I should have gotten this job, and fighting for it..isn't worth my time. I deserve better. I deserve what I really want. And i do not have to prove to anyone in this company that I am worth it. i'm done.

Its time now to focus my worth ethic and my detailed professionalism, to focus my challenges and my growth in my music. it is calling for me and it is time now..that i stop shying away from it and attracting myself to such negative situations. Negative situations that i have no business being in, because i DON'T belong. I don't belong in a place that has never and will never recognize my worth.

Dreamscape night 1 recap

So I am going over my "Dreamscape" tapes finally. This is a big show that i helped produce and perform in April. Let's just say..how much I haaaaate re-looking at tapes of performances that I have previously done. In order for me to avoid feeling completely squirmish i really have to watch the tapes by myself...and at least a month later...this time it was nearly 3 months later. haha

So reviewing my performance for the first night... i am proud of myself because my vocal range is starting to sound more open and I am able to go in and out of registers more easily. I can tell from my whole performance of that. So I am happy with that. I personally thought that i looked beautiful--overweight and all. I absolutely love the way that i wear my clothes and I seem to give of a big helping of self confidence and assurance (Even if thats not what i am always feeling on the inside).

I do not want to be too self-critical..cause we are all our own critics..and i find that there is always something stirring within me that is never satisfied..so i'll be easy on myself. What i remember from that night was that i wasn't happy with my solo. I felt very uncomfortable and uneasy...but looking at it now, I think because i didn't feel completely confident with it that i GAVE my all. And it did fill in the gaps to the parts that were missing. It is hard for me to not look at the other singers and weigh myself. There are thoughts in my head that want to compare and contrast...but i am not going to go there with my "recap" because Beyonce said it best that she is most competitive with herself. So i will choose to only comment on how i can improve on my last performances and do better from what i did...and not what anyone else did..even though its so innate for me to look at others...

What i do need to work on is ...

1.)breath control. Its time to push myself in my workouts..maybe in running to sing when I run or do any cardio. That will be a training that i'd like to do. Cause there are times when my breath falters..and then it messes with my ability to stay on pitch or to hold out notes..or to be more dynamic with my singing volumes.

2.)transitions. in this specific solo..the transitions musically, vocally and physically were little awkward. It is definetly hard for me to find the comic relief in my performance...which leads me to the next thing...

3.) Acting. I fall in and out of my character instead of staying right there with it. Sometimes falling out is good..and it helps to relieve the moment...but i do it a little too often..and i can see how an audience member would not be able to follow my intention. I think improvement on this comes from doing the song, over and over and over again. Also it is just mere performance...i need to have more and more and more performance opportunities..so i can sharpen these skills...I haven't been performing as much as when I was in HS and college..and i think I am a little rusty.

4.) diction and key. I've got to work on my diction, my intention and possibly some of the keys of the song could be changed to help me bring out more.

so thats my recap for night 1. Night 2 and 3 to come.. This is mainly to help me see what I need to work on when we do this again in the Fall.

I do see much improvement. And bg was so supportive of me..that i do not want to let go of all the wonderful things he said.

There is constantly an uneasy/restlessness within me when it comes to my music. And i don't know if it is coming from a good place. Sometimes i just feel like i WILL never be as good as i think I am in my head. Sometimes I just am unhappy with what i HEAR AND SEE back..despite what people say..and so its a struggle for me to really trust myself and to think that i am great..quite often I am at a battle with myself over what i think is perfect and me trying to achieve that. This summer is when I'd really like to tackle this. I think it is good for me to be critical and to see and look for improvements..but i am unhappy at how dissatisfied i can be. When at the end of the day...its not about competitiveness or perfection... its about doing what i love and loving to do it.

Dissatisfaction...to finding Success

Feeling very restless this morning. After a great weekend of writing another song.. you would think that I'd be satisfied. But there is something about waking up in the wee hours of the morning to get into a job ....that you can't stand.... its just dampens my mood completely.

I think I am feeling most upset about my weight. There are days like these when it just feels like it is going to take a surgery and a miracle to get to where I want to get to. It might just be that I am looking to have that straight path to success ....and the path, for me atleast, is never that easy.

This morning the negative thoughts I was fighting with was that I would have to go through another Summer covering up my body and NOT being able to wear a bikini. Just going through another summer wishing I could have some other girl's body...yada yada yada. all the same shit.
Remember when I was so amped about losing weight and posted this for inspiration?...
http://offdashoulda.blogspot.com/2011/05/celebrity-looks-at-billboard-awards.html

I am unsure of how to "fix my mood" at this point in time. Just wish I had more of what I think I need more of..so I could find happiness. --sounds materialistic doesn't it?

Watching a video of my new fav artist Jessie J,

She says she defines her success, not through money or materialistic things but through her happiness. Isn't that an Interesting concept? I wonder if that means that she is working hard everday to find her own happiness? But if thats the case, what do you do to find true happiness?

Or does it mean that she is happy everyday and thus she is successful everyday?..I don't know.

HOWEVER

it does make me question what my definition for success is. I think its important to define it for myself ...for I am recently finding the inspiration and the courage to go after all of my dreams...
I have always imagined SUCCESS as the end result. Your dreams fulfilled. It makes the most sense...So to me... that is sucess. If I want to be 30lbs thinner..then success would be once I've lost 30lbs...But then that got me thinking.. what if I lost 30lbs through starving myself or some other unhealthy method. Is that still success to me? No. it isn't.

So if I really digged deep down within myself to find out what would make me feel happy about my success is if I stayed true to myself, if I put all of my effort into it to produce the best result and...as Jessie J says.. if I am happy with myself at the end of it all.

I battle often with being dissatisfied. Its time now for the happy ME to resurface and make a comeback.

unWILLing...

Today's workout was tough...

i just couldn't bare through it after 20min. My body felt tired and my head was all over the place, i was thinking about writing in my blog, about the things i have to get done, and I just know that I am not in a good place to push myself today...

The honest truth, was that my mind felt defeated. Looking at my reflection, and reflecting period, i am now beginning to understand the depth of my weight gain. I am beginning to see all sides. I am aware of how it affects my moods, my choices, and my attitude. I am not yet 100 lbs overweight, but enough to be considered obese. And the reality has truly hit me on how far i have to go..and how long of a road traveled it might possibly take.

There was a moment in the routine where my mind said those exact words "You have a long way to go...today isn't going to matter. You'll still be fat after this workout."

Understanding my reality CAN put me into very negative thoughts. And because this is where my mood and mind was heading, I decided to cut it out! Only positive thoughts and postive energy are welcomed here...

But Next Time.. i'll keep going.

Making Dreams Reality

It is becoming clearer to me as these days go by....

I've been fairly proud of myself for what i have been able to accomplish, mentally and creatively. But what makes a person fulfill their calling? What brings them to the light? Luck is a funny word.. and i no longer believe in it.

People who have been giving a chance to make the best of their light either make it or lose it.

I believe i have been giving a chance and a light, but I am slowly losing it. Its a gift that comes to many, but only those who truly understand what it takes to use it well....will make it. And there are few in between.


As I grow older ... I am more and more troubled with questions as to why am I not where I feel I am supposed to be. And i recognize that its because of me. Its always been. Possibly, i have a path that is unfolding for me...something that i have not wished for or envisioned. But i do know what i want. And i have not been in the right mentality to receive it.

I have grown, and I would like to grow more. I don't think I truly know what it means to work really hard for what you want.

Now that i have developed the spirituality and mental state to understand positive and negative thoughts and energy. it is time to move forward with STRONG MENTALITY. In order to say what i want and then to go get it... I am going to have to dig deep...and find the pain and bring it to the surface. I need to discover what is holding me back and eliminate it.

POUTING

Today i'm pouting...

can't seem to shake off this negativity...

sometimes I fall into these kinds of emotional states...

people are living my dream....

and all I can do is pout.

I BELIEVE

In Me.



"Wallowing in self-pity is a horrifying pleasure. But it is not good for me. And now that I am aware of it, I want to examine it, I want to record every negative thought I have...maybe i will do that.

I want to discover my thought process...and how it is not benefitting me. By living through the pain, but this time being aware of what i am doing.

its all so much for me to grasp right now, but...i feel a change is a coming. And its not for anyone else...but..me, myself and I. May we live in peace." - kboug



**~~~**





I am so proud of myself.. After reading some old entries from April 2008 and remembering that year at age 22-23, I was in such a horrible state of mind.. OMG! Today there was a moment when I had to run away from the computer screen... the tears just kept falling because I started to remember that old feeling, when I had lost my bf, and my friends. I was so alone...but it was the best thing for me. Because I learned that I could have very bad times, and still survive. I am a survivor.



I also realized, that even though I was surrounded by not so great people, my biggest enemy was myself and my thoughts.



I remember that time very clearly. Most of those first entries when I felt like the world was falling on top of me.. I would wallow in chinese fried chicken and french fries. Or I would have Mcdonalds for days. I drank soda regularly. I was and still am an EMOTIONAL EATER!



It is the comfort that the food brought to me. The loneliness went away for a mere second. And it was relieving because I was feeling so many negative things. It pains me to remember how much I hated myself, and how much I depended on what others thought of me to dictate what I thought of myself!

Out of all of my old entries, the one that stuck out like a sore thumb was this one


http://offdashoulda.blogspot.com/2008/04/im-stalker.html


No one was telling me I was pretty. In fact everyone was telling me I wasn't. And I was believing them! Its so hurtful...

But what I take from it now, was how I allowed food to help me through it. I recognize that then & now I HAVE A HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP with food.

Much has evolved since those years in my early 20's. But there are still some things that are necessary to address.

Now, I do have moments where I eat out of emotion. Not as much as before, but it is still present. What is very factual is that I've established very bad habits. Very very bad habits.Its time to exempt the negativity out of my path, and recognize the spiritual journey that I am going to have to take in order to get this weight loss thing back in control.

.







I BELIEVE IN ME.

restless....

Reflections..

Most of my life thus far.. has been filled with fun, exploration, amazement, surprise, pain, happiness...
Most of my days thus far ...has been filled with self imagery, self-help.. and self awareness...

I am grateful for life and what has come with it. And now I wish to BE present.. and Open to whatever comes my way.

Life is not what you plan of it.. and barely what you dream of it.. but how you make of it.
I'm excited. :)

Kind Thoughts

Choosing Kind Thoughts.. Until the Confidence Comes.. :)

After diving in to Women Food and God, I am realizing how differently I would like to take my weight loss journey; more different than any other attempt before. I've been dealing with a lot of emotional issues this week.. and I've become more than aware of my link of emotional eating. I've been aware of it.. of course.. but finding a way to stop it is the next step. Because honestly, eating when you are not hungry.. means that there is something wrong. Its absolutely unnatural. And I imagine myself on the better path to more balance in my life.

Geneen Roth mentions in Women Food and God that you have to start trusting yourself and your own instincts about what your body wants. You have to learn to listen to your own body. And what I've come to accept is that for most of my life.. I have been harming myself mentally.. by wishing I was something that I am not. Wishing I had so and so's body shape..and looking in the mirror and not loving what I see back. I've been living in a false reality..and I'm ready to wake up.

So the question is.. can I trust myself yet? All of my impulses go back to what my mind is conditioned to think.. that I need to lose weight.. to get pretty and sexy.. because thats what I'm not. And only when you are physically attractive are you worth anything

----> This has been my belief system for so much of my life. And as much as I want it to stop right now.. it is conditioned. I feel like to "trust myself" will lead me back to regular abusive thoughts and bad habits.

But I think I can hold onto the concept of treating myself kindly. As if I am a child that deserves good love health and support. Theres no beating around the bush.. I want to lose weight!!! ..But the right way.

Dear 2009,

Thank you for all that you have taught me. I come through another year definitely older, undeniably wiser, and beautifully ready for more!

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to everyone out there in the blogging community.
And Happy New Year to all..I send my blessings out to you and yours and wish for all your dreams to come true!

This year ..my favorite quote was
"Sometimes it works out exactly the way you didn't plan..."-KBOUG

For this is what the whole year has been about. Everything I had planned and desired came true in different ways than I had imagined this year and I am not sure what to think of or even strive for for the coming new year..cause who knows how it all may turn out.

Thanks to 2009, I welcomed in the New Year with a fresh take on my relationship. We had our ups and downs but as 2009 came to an open I realized how much in love I am with this man and that I will be his ride or die chick for real! I began my hair journey through hairlista and Kiss watching my fav girls videos tuts..Chinablk, hairlicious, and traycee..I said goodbye to my loving grandma who graciously died two days before Michael Jackson. I still miss her. I've battled 3/4 jobs this year?! haha but still have two and going strong! I welcomed myself into the hairlista community and now have friends from around the nation who are making and meeting hair goals with me. I've signed onto the Beyonce train and use her work as inspiration everyday! I've blogged about hair, skin, nails, health, and bullsh*t and i love it and will continue! I've reached 21 followers and hope to grow even more! I've learn how much I hate my parents but love them deeper than I ever imagined and I've recognized my importance in my family and how much I need them and they need me. I've drank smoked cussed and did all kinds of bad things this year too..yeah i'm no angel! But I'm learning to love life and accept change as it comes. I have found that God is still with me even when i'm not looking, and love seems to follow me wherever I go. I've learned that its okay to demand what you want out of life and to choose to work as hard as you can to attain it. And i'll hold onto each living passing moment..that I must cherish the gift of life and make the most of every moment on this earth.

Thanks to 2009!

I am Thankful

On this Thanksgiving I am thankful
..for the strength and love of my mother
..for the wisdom and guidance of my father
..for my sister
..for the rock that is my entire family
..for the gift of music
...for life










Thank you Lord.

What A Difference A Day Makes!

With the fall comes New Beginnings..

I am truly inspired to continue on.. in search of more accomplishments..more disappointments..more dreams...more loving..more hating..new shoes...long hours...

lots of critiques..more changing..more writing..more guitars..more beats..more keys...more shaking...more hair...more non-dieting..more of me to share with you!

new song from alicia!!

This Season...

1. Learn something new

2. pick up a hobby you haven't done in a long time

3. Spend time with friends and fam..and take lots of pictures!

4. Laugh

5. Love

Now A Featured Hairlista!

So excited to be a featured hairlista on the Hairlista Network!
This is such a big deal for me..because I have been following so many wonderful ladies on this site, picking their brain to learn as much as I can about maintaining healthy hair. And now this lucky lady...me!..is now a featured Hairlista!

This is the next step for me on my hair journey. To me this signifies that I know and have the tools to create a splendid hair regimen for myself and to help others! I am pscyhed!!

I know I haven't been writing much..lately. My computer is broken and I only blog on Wednesdays when I can. So posts will be limited to once a week until everything settles..but i kinda like it this way.. a new routine for the fall!

Quality...

I'm feelin' a lil stuck..these days. Just feelin' anxious, bored, and ready to get into something major!! The BF is feelin' the same thing too. Just motivated to get out of this "dreaming" rut. Nah mean? The hair journey is still on its way. And i'm lovin' every bit of it. It's making me realize that with consistent work and a lot of patience.. you can get great results!

Today while researching different teachers and coaches to get connected with ..I've noticed some very interesting things about myself..that I am trying to work on for real...
One thing is that I get so motivated that I wanna do so much at once. And Sometimes this just cheapens my work. Sometimes its important to just focus on one entity at a time. Apply yourself and gain the best quality you can.
Also, cheap is good. But as Traycee from KISS says.. you get what you pay for. So i'm looking for good vocal teachers and there are so many to choose from! But I realize that I need to get connected with the ones that have the best technique as well as coaching. So I may have to really invest some money into getting the right quality training. I'm not just about maintenance of my craft..but allways improving...

I think this is why i've been hooked on Bey from the beginning and have been listening to her hard these days. Her work inspires me. She challenges herself and her craft. She is a hard working woman and I can't do nothing else but look up to that. She is my inspiration through this rut..

***

Speaking of..lol. Here's an unreleased song I found today that was probably written for the Bday soundtrack. In this song she really addresses the haters...loooves it. :)

This is What Happens when...

you step on that friggin' scale!

I was ready to continue my workout regimen today. got my clothes together, chose which class i'd be taking..but lord knows that i just couldn't get the nerve to do it after seeing my number on the scale. I have to at least check the scale once a month. So this was the weigh-in for August. Yes folks i'm now at a whopping 149.8 which mean that my weight is going in the wrong direction!!

I promised i would share the good bad and ugly so i'm going to let it be known that this is an ugly episode! **sigh**

one of my main reasons for not doing the whole...check the scale thing every week is because of the fact that your weight fluctuates on a regular basis. I have been working out diligently for the past week and its very possible that i have put on weight...because of new muscle gain! But, this is not what logically runs through my head when observing the added pounds on the scale. All that i'm thinking of is...Fat fat shame FAT FAT SHAME! AND i can't go out like this... not today.

So i'm staying in..gonna take my self into the shower and treat my hair.. read some more recipe books and come up with a better plan for tomorrow...cause there's always tomorrow.

I think its definitely time for me to begin weigh-ins on a monthly basis. I want to be able to track my weight but not as obsessively as every week. These are going to be tough days for me..not like length checks after relaxers...which i usually look forward to! But I have to do it..its important that i know what is going on physically..and i want to expose my emotions more to the truth of whats going on with my body...whether its pleasant or not. ...

1st Non-Diet Weigh-IN 149.8 lbs

Lips Locked

Nobody Likes a "know-it-all" ..this is true. So many girls on hair boards and forums say it, and even Beautiful brown baby doll shared this with us on her youtube video. Keep most of your journey to yourself. Since I started by whole journey to healthy hair, mind and body. I've been sharing with the people that are closest to me about what I have been learning.

Some listen, most don't seem to care or have wayy too much criticism for a girl who is trying to get on her feet. Here's the part that I thought would work, but I was wrong...I thought that because I had found something great for myself and was really amped and hyped about doing it, that the people in my life would care, would want to help, would be interested. But, I was very wrong. Most of the comments I have recently received are the opposite. Some people say I should just go to a hair salon, that I am the only one who has the problems that I have because of what I am trying to do, that blogging is silly, some of them judge my blog and have not even read it yet!

And here I am sharing good research with them to help me and possibly get them on the same track. I've realized this is the wrong way to go. Even more so, I started this journey for me first. I want to improve...so I don't have to talk and share right now. Sometimes its better to just keep your lips locked. Work on yourself...and if they get interested along the way..then cool, i'm here to help. If they don't..oh well. Because this journey is really for me.

All too often we are afraid to do things alone. All too often we care about what people think of us. Or how people see us. This is just a mere stepping stone on this journey, a simple problem discovered..and a simple solution. Stop caring of what people think..of you.