Wednesday, September 23, 2009

THE NON-DIET: Battling Self-Image


Battling Self Image..

Well, i've surely not lost any weight following my non diet. Recently I've been food journaling when I remember to. I've been eating what I crave. I've been journaling about regular feelings and spending a lot of time in reflection. I've discovered that although no lbs lost.. I've accomplished a personal goal that I'm very proud of....

Just a few months ago, while trying to fit into some clothes in one of my FAV stores H&M, I came down with a huge Hysterical Anxiety Attack! I had realized how much I hated my body. And how anything that I put on..only made it worse. Yes, there I was standing in the H&M fitting room..with my new clothes barely fitting hair looking a mess..and my mind was telling me all sorts of Horrible things!

I wish I could say that this was the one and only time. But I came to realization right there staring into that horrible mirror..that this was an ongoing cycle. From whence.. I can't remember! but its happened before. Numerous times..trying on clothes in the store or at home.. staring at myself in the mirror...Squinting my eyes.. trying to make things look better. I've always always always battled self-image. I remember being in high school and watching lots of girls...(questioning my sexuality) because I thought that my staring at other females meant that I had somehow turned Lezbo in just a matter of a year. Kinda funny to me. But sad also, because I realize now that a lot of it was admiring other girls bodies..and wishing that mine would look the same. It became an obsession. Posting pictures of my fav beautiful women like tyra banks...putting a big circle around her abs and writing... "2 months..this will be me!"

And at age 24, I still had not let go of this horrible teenage obsession/sickness. Watching other people is good. You learn from them; from their accomplishments and their mistakes. But you can only be you. And going back to that day in the fitting room this summer, I had to finally make a vow to myself..."No more Self-hate!"

What did I do?

1. Found Inspiring Resources:
*If it didn't make me feel good about myself. I didn't spend my time watching, reading, or listening to it. I started with books like "Thin is the New Happy" by Valerie Frankel, and watched youtube videos by Beautiful Brown Baby doll. I listened to a lot of Beyonce. Watched a lot of Tyra and Oprah. Read inspirational Blogs like Healthy Kisses...her blog is amazing and she gives you a boost of self-reassurance with each blog post. love her!
2. I got Honest with the people in my life.
*A lot of the time we think that are thoughts and feelings are irrelevant. Well, it didn't matter to me. I started to speak my mind about everything that I believed in...
3. I continued with my Hair Journey.
* Something as simple as taking care of my hair..did a lot for me. Taking pride in the new choices that I made for taking care of my hair gave me strength and a sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt in a long time.
4. Spent more time in the fitting room!
*The only way to conquer your fears is to head into them straight on! I went to dressing rooms and tried on clothes. And started to learn what were the right clothes that compliment my uniquely shaped body. Most of the time, I would leave with nothing or just one piece that I really loved. This gives shopping a deeper meaning. And I've really grown to love the clothes that I've bought..and continuing to learn what compliments me..
5. Listened to my Thoughts. And then paid them no mind.
*Read E. Tolle's book: A New Earth, and learned how our thoughts are conditioned. Quite often we identify with them, ..and honestly..we shouldn't. Because our thoughts are deeply rooted. I spent a lot of time just sitting through my anxiety. And basically listening to the thoughts in my head. And disregarding them Soon enough.. they start to change to be more positive or they disappear altogether.
6. Started my own Body-Image Journey
*The non-diet is my new journey to accomplishing my health and fitness goals without the interference of...anything! lolz. BodyLove is my new way of finding out DIY treatments for my body.
This is not to say.. that my body-image woes are solved! But I did walk into a few stores yesterday... took a glance in the mirror..and the thoughts that came to my head were.."I look really good today." I went to a wedding last week in Atlanta, GA. And I was proud to show off my new dress. I've been getting compliments from my team members of Bending Threads INC... who say that I'm looking great BODY AND ALL! And I know this sista ain't lost no weight! haha. In fact I may have gained some. But it goes to show how confidence rules over everything.
My body image is a sickness to me. And I realized this year that its time to find the cure. It's not far from over. But it feels great. Wish me no more tears of pain in the fitting room..and I'll do the same for everyone else :)

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