Back from Syracuse for Thanksgiving.. and I did my Wii fit weigh-in. Come to find out. I gained some lbs. So before I decided to get upset and quit altogether...again!
I did a little reflection. My whole life I've struggled with my self-image. I skimmed through pics of other ladies that I knew since HS, and i started to feel resentment. I see them skinny in hot outfits and singing on stage.. and i'm feeling myself.. fall into that place again.
I gotta keep my eyes on the prize. gotta keep pushing forward.
So I started going through my own pics, and to my amazement, I really enjoyed it. It was cool going through all those memories. But the thing that Boggled me the most was the fact that I realized in all of these pics I was going through a self-image issue, and I look at them now, and i'm like.."I'd do anything to look like that now!" lol
So here's a little review of myself of where i've come from. I think this will motivate me to get back on track.
**I didn't include any pics from HS. but a quick overview between junior high and high school. I always thought i was too fat, and during these years was when I really struggled with the fact if I was even pretty. Its so sad for me to even think of it, I really wish I could go back and just give that young girl a hug, because she really was in so much pain :( (sad face)
weight approx. 135-137. This is a picture of me at my last show in my senior year of hs. I was so disturbed. I was doing this show with my best friend, and I remember just staring at her body, and wishing deep inside that I could just have a flat stomach. I look at this picture and I get so upset. Because there was nothing wrong with me.. I was absolutely just a beautiful 18 year old girl.
weight approx. 132. When i got into college freshman year, i started gaining more confidence about myself. Inf act, it was a dramatic change from when I was in highschool. I was taking a lot of dance classes and the weight was flying off. I got lots of compliments. and i was also booking a lot of shows. I was fitting into clothing styles that I never thought would look good on me. I was able to stand up for myself and I was more confident with my personal and life choices. For some reason this one year, I had a lot of drama, but I really was unstoppable. I was gaining lots of friends and just feeling so good about myself. My weight was not much of a problem for me at the time. ----> And the funny thing was that I wasn't focused on losing weight at this time.. it was just coming off!
weight approx 132. again freshman year. The first time since I was prob like 8 since I was feeling okay with my weight. lol
weight approx. 137-140. I had started getting more involved at school in the student government. I was realizing my potential on what I could really do besides music. But I was upset that I had gained back the weight that I had been able to lose. And the hateful cycle was starting to bud again.
again... i look at these pictures and i'm just so mad.. cause i think i just look beautiful. too bad ...
weight approx. 142lbs. I was starting to get involved sexually.. i can't remember if it was exactly this time.. but it was either just after this or during this time. I had put on my first fashion show at college as President of a student government organization. But the hate bug had settled in by now. I was losing friendships because of my leadership. And I was feeling insecure being around all the beautiful model girls.
weight approx. 142-145lbs. I had begun talking to my ex, but also had met a new guy. I wanted him to come.. but he chose to go see some other chick(who will remain nameless) in the same role upstate. I was happy he didn't come. I felt like I had gotten my dream role, but was really too fat to do it. I remember looking at pictures of myself after the show was over and just thinking i looked horrible.I honestly look at this pic and just want to bitch slap myself. Like seriously, i'm doing what I love to do! Hopefully, when I get to play this dream role again on a bigger stage, I will have more self-confidence.
weight approx. 146lbs. At this point I was in a full fledge relationship. --> with the new guy. I felt like it was time, but slowly I was losing more friends because of my new relationship. And I was feeling more and more insecure as it progressed. As much as I want to now blame it on him, I think even though I had never dealt with a guy before.. I wasn't ready. He wasn't perfect..and did cause some trouble, but any relationship at this point in my life would have triggered this insecurity. The truth is, I still had not dealt with a lot of my self-image issues. Maybe I had thought it all went away with that beautiful freshman year. But it didn't. I was starting to feel like my old Highschool days..starting to feel a little ugly. I was a little bummy. I wore grungy clothes. Now that I think of it, theres nothing with having two looks.. grungy sometimes and glammed other times. I wish I had glammed up a little more on my off days.. it might have been a good self-reinforcement.
I remember this day and it was one of the days when I just fell in a complete black hole. As an RA, I was on a retreat and we were all climbing the rock wall. I was the only one who didn't make it to the top. I felt like shit. I felt like I was unworthy of a relationship.. or of feeling pretty.
weight approx. 147-148lbs. Music always has a way of keeping me sane. I felt like I was gaining more experience as a performer, but not getting enough acknowledgement. I felt like if I could just lose these last 20lbs, people would start to take me seriously. But I had a lot of growing up to do. My recital night was the night that I told my mother I had lost my virginity. I was like 21, but she was upset. And her being upset made me feel like a failure. Even though, I look back at it and i'm proud of myself for telling my mom... ive always felt like a real child, like i couldn't tell her. But I was now an adult woman. It was time to let her know the truth. plus, its not like i had lost my virginity at 14, I was 21! I still feel like she was wrong for being upset about this. but what can you do?
weight approx. 147-148lbs. At this time my relationship was getting rocky. My insecurities were showing face. And I had to break up with someone that I really loved. But it was obvious. I wasn't loving myself properly. And it took us getting back together, breaking up again, and then getting back together, and then breaking up again, to realize that i was losing myself in this relationship.
when we did get back together..and we still are. I told him that what we had before was important, but I needed to start refreshed. I needed to be in a different relationship..one that was more supportive. And he has been that way ever since. He has given me room to really be myself and to grow more
weight approx. 155lbs I was in the midst of beginning my Hair Journey. I did still stay quite grungy most of the time.But i've done lots of self reflection. And started discovering for myself where self love really comes from. At this point, I started getting really Obsessed with Beyonce..lol. Not just because of her looks, but her life. And I started refocusing my life. If I wanted to still be a performer it was time to figure out how to start getting back on track.
weight approx. 160lbs. I have gained great philosophies on my self image. But I have gained more bad habits than good ones. I'm still with my current bf, who still gives me the support that I need. I'm feeling more and more beautiful from the inside out. I just want to fix my outside now. I think i just indulge more than I should.
weight approx. 163lbs. Sometimes my pain body wants me to feel like shit. And tell me I've gained a whole 20lbs since Ive been with my bf, and he isn't going to stay with me if I keep gaining. But i'm fighting all my might with all that I've learned to not allow those horrible and negative ideas be the foundation of my weightloss. I want to go back to those freshman days, when working out was ballet and dance. When weight loss wasn't something that I watched but just happened for me. I know I will have to work hard though to get to that point. And i'm willing to do it. I am. And honestly, even at 40lbs overweight. I still think I look good!
Its wonderful to see how far i've come. I'm still overweight and more overweight than ever before. But I'm growing closer and closer to true self love. And thats the part that I love the most. I don't want to gain anymore weight. My goal is to get to 122lbs and then beable to fluctute 5lbs more or less... I'm allowed to haveglamourous days and grungy days. If I can get to a healthier weight than I can truly take advantage of both lifestyles comfortably. lol.
I am most excited for the day when I come back and show photos after I have succeeded in my weight loss journey.