Saturday, April 19, 2008

New Perspectives...

Power Cannot Co-exist with Power

Today, I feel that I am at an incredible degree of healing.
All of my friends have been advising me, that after breaking up, healing from the break-up is what i need to do.

I think they were halfway right. I am putting myself on a new level, but its not healing from this break-up. I am hoping that time will heal that. But I am finding that I need healing from myself.

I remember, a long time ago; I had been very truthful to myself. I was upset, crying, and probably hysterical....not too far from most moments in my life. But, I said to myself, "Self, the reason that we are upset is because of us." I remember thinking then, that my biggest issue was my mind.

And now, on the verge of 23, I look back at that young girl and think..."What a fucking smart piece of ass I was!"

Last week, I picked up the new Oprah book club craze. And I have easily fallen into the craze myself. I opened myself up to this new philosophy. And one of the first things this writer said was, that many of us are blind to this new philosophy. Sometimes it takes a hardship or a loss for us to be open. And it was a lightbulb moment for me. Just about everything that this book talks about, I can relate to.

I realized, that it is my mind. A little voice in my mind...that the book calls, "the ego". Reading this book, I felt empowered. The mind is quite a powerful being in itself. And it is at this point, that i have found myself at battle with my mind....Like two powerful beings at war for my space. I have been open to the fact that the perceptions and conclusions that my mind goes through have been the driving force of me for years. For many reasons, of which I cannot go through now, but hopefully over this new idea, I can fully understand...myself.

I feel like i'm not making much sense...probably because there are so many things going through my head. Its amazing.

Either way, I do not want to stay in this state of self-pity. I was able to cling so hard onto my ex-boyfriend. And now that he is not in my life, its like i am clinging to this idea of self-pity. In which it feels comfortable to hurt myself.......

Wallowing in self-pity is a horrifying pleasure. But it is not good for me. And now that I am aware of it, I want to examine it, I want to record every negative thought I have...maybe i will do that.

I want to discover my thought process...and how it is not benefitting me. By living through the pain, but this time being aware of what i am doing.

its all so much for me to grasp right now, but...i feel a change is a coming. And its not for anyone, myself and I. May we live in peace.

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