Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Dance of Self-Hate

I gotta stop smoking...

Last night I had the worst smoking experience. Talk about..a bad taste in my mouth. That was the least of it. It just put me in a bad state. I'm starting to feel the effects of some low down-in the gut feelings that I am not happy with.

I don't know where its coming from. I mean, I can tell you wat triggers it for sure...but, i don't know how helpful it is to go into that right now. However, I feel like I am pulling myself lower and lower into this horrible state of self-hate. For as long as I can remember..its always been about the looks. I've never felt pretty enough, I've never felt confident enough to know that I had the right looks...period. And it used to be so important to me.

And its important right now to stress 'used to' because there is a new level of self-hate that I feel is growing..in which I am not feeling how I am acting. I am starting to see the "real" me. And for those reasons, I am being honest with myself on my real feelings about things...and all of it is disgusting to me. I really can't stand myself right now, and I don't know what to do about it.

I mean.. can you change your thoughts? And if so, does that change you?

I don't know. I think i just need some time for myself. As August approaches, it will be important that this might be something that I need to do. I need to find a doctor. And I need to go to the gym and stay focused on some of the things that are way important to me.

If I keep staying the way that I am becoming... I don't think I'll be able to do much for myself.

I've gotta stop smoking...

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