None of my clothes Fit! None.
And i've always been a little chunky; my whole life. Always in some sort of fitness program to lose weight and never quite making the cut. But NEVER had I had the experience of none of the pants in my closet not being able to zip up or any of my shirts buttoning up. Even my jacket can't zip up without me feeling like I can't breathe!
Its actually kind of funny. :) I'm surprised, cause I thought if I ever reached this point i'd be so depressed. But, today i'm not feeling that way. I'm just feeling like its time for me to get it together. What is "it"? ---->My lifestyle! Not even my weight, just the way that I live and the way that I take care of myself. I really want to learn how to take good care of myself!
I am beginning to accept and realize that it is truly a lifestyle change that I need to focus on.
I do want to lose weight,
but I don't want all of it come back again.
I do want to eat right,
but I don't want to starve myself or feel deprived of my favorite foods.
I do want to workout,
but I don't want to continue to aspire to have someone else's body; because thats just damn near impossible. And I've accepted that. In fact, i'm kind of happy about it; and relieved.
I've mentioned this before, but I think i'm obsessed with the BEFORE/AFTER status. I'm about to go a lil Eckhart Tolle for a minute, but I believe the "pain-body" within me, doesn't believe that i can actually achieve this. Or even, that if I did achieve my weight loss goal, I still would be un-happy with how my body looks.
I don't know.. there is something within me that craves that pain..that craves to fail.. sometimes I think, i'm not FAT enough to make a complete transformation. Its like I want to hit rock bottom and really feel that pain, AND then Lose the Weight so that I feel like I've truly accomplished something. Im addicted to the success stories.... Do I feel like I only deserve to be hurt? .. I don't think so. I don't think its that serious. Maybe I just don't feel like I deserve to be fit and happy with my body. And so the idea of getting bigger to lose weight, seems more appealing...because at least I would successfully be able to say that I lost a ton of weight; especially if i'm not happy with how my body shape turns out.
How can I get myself out of this rut? How do I avoid hitting ROCK BOTTOM, when I feel that there is something inside of me that actually wants to go there?
I WOULD love to just accomplish this goal, but it seems as if i'm okay with heading towards a downward spiraled fall. But I know that if I really went there, i'd be totally depressed. And my life would probably change dramatically. Maybe if I can realize that. Just that. Then I can pull myself out of this Rut. I don't want to get any fatter... excuse me *getting choked up here..* I don't want to be unhealthy anymore.
I do want to lose weight, but I know that my self-esteem doesn't depend on that. Its essential that I work on that right now. Today in fact, reinforcing the value of myself to myself. And its just come to me... that when it all comes down to it. To the core of the problem.. ITS NOT ABOUT THE WEIGHT! ITS NOT.
Because if i was to lose 40lbs today, I will still be unhappy.
Its deeper than that. And I guess its time to investigate.
I don't want to get any worse and then feel more accomplished. It actually doesn't even make any sense. I don't want to do that... I don't i don't i don't. I don't want to hit rock bottom. I really want to get better NOW.
I know that losing weight isn't everything. But I want to do it because I know i've been battling it my whole life. I want to do it because I want to fit back into my clothes again, and feel unlimited with any fashion choices. I want to feel good about myself..like honestly feel good about myself and my accomplishment. I want to feel sexy..and feel like I look that way too.
I am also beginning to accept and realize that this will not be an overnight thing. In fact, it never has been. All of my mistakes, failures, and research has brought me here, to understanding that I need to fail in order to learn how to succeed.
So Whats so great about losing weight? Well, it would mean the world to me to finally accomplish this. And it would mean that my body is healthier, and i'm limit-less on more of the things I want to do in the future. But its not the END ALL, in fact it is only the beginning...
Weight Check in: 163lbs