What I would Give to Look Like This...
And Other Painful thoughts My Ego Gives to Me...
That down there.... thats what we call a succumb to the Ego...hello!!! lol
So, I realize this pattern. And I am trying my best to control my emotions and actions so that they are going to benefit me...and not leave me in situations that I may regret.
I realized...after talking to this guy...that he was away for the weekend at his father's bday party. I had forgotten, that he said he would be going to this....so....I was having a mere withdrawal.
But some important points are still needed and learned from this...which is..I still haven't accepted the fact that we are not together right now. Or...that we may not ever be. Holding on...talking on facebook, chatting online....is only pulling from me what I need to accept now for myself.
Yesterday, we chatted a little online. And I was so attached, I could feel myself getting back into some normal ways...but I am unfit to pull myself back into that...I need to work on the present time and moving forward. I need to.
My heart is still hurting...and is obviously still vulnerable. When he called me "love" , I snapped. I succumbed to the thoughts that he calls so many girls that. And I wrote to him back and said... "dnt call me that, when u call your other girls that". Whoops! slip of the ego. Slip of the drama that i am oh so used to! He responded kindly...and I appreciated it.
I wanted to write back, but refraining from pulling myself into anymore drama ---see i'm getting wiser :)--- I decided to leave it alone. I'm recording the voice in my head that is saying, write something back, leave him with something else, .....but I don't think its a good idea to do that now.
It is better to let the present be as it is. Present. I need to let this go now...cause the more I write about it, the more it sounds petty. ...But its just a revolutionary moment for me to see...how my mind is....its quite interesting...
Onto Better things....
I'm ready to go HARDDDD on my weight loss. This morning I had a very interesting discussion with a past jump-off. Someone who btw...is still trying to get in this...but i'm trying to refrain from any regrets of sex. lol. Anyways, Im looking at all these girls on King Magazine, and on the tv...and my friends....I have some of the most beautiful friends ever...I know some really beautiful people...
and i'm thinking to myself that I can't match. I feel soo behind...so ugly sometimes. And then the first thing i think is...
"I want to lose weight. I have so much to work on. I need some fast food to make myself feel better. "
And I become obsessive...looking at pictures of beautiful women. At first, I thought i could be interested in girls..and then...i'm like...."YEAH...SURE U ARE! LOL". No, i wouldn't be afraid to admit that I'm interested in girls....but i'm not. lol. Its a funny thought. No, i'm just obsessed with beautiful girls..and their bodies...and i'm obsessed because I want to be them!! I soooo want to be them. And I start to get this nauseous feeling. And then I start to get really hungry. And then I just want to be left alone...to watch tv...and wallow in my somberness that I'll never be pretty enough.
Well, back to the convo with my ex-jump off. I was complaining about my booti..and he was quite nice. I told him how I want to have a big booti, like the girls in the videos...so that the person I'm with will be in love with my body. And he said...that i need to be happy with what I have. That I need to relax. And....by gosh...it made me feel so much better.
I realize how all of this that i'm learning, really does apply in every aspect of my life.
-The way that I interact with people.... the need to complain and talk badly about myself....so that they can make me feel better and feed my ego.
-The need to wallow in sadness...for when my ego is not fed..it wallows in depression so that I can feel self-pity for myself, and thus it gets fed this way.
-The need to feel like I am number one. And I snap at people...in order to get it in their heads.
My honest desire is to be free from all of this. Or from this... Ego. To be peaceful, and not find myself all over the place with emotions. To be honest, it does feel good during the time that I feel the emotion. My body likes to be mad when its mad. It likes to be sad when its sad. Its like devouring a sick, painful pleasure. What I don't like...is this constant after-math feeling. When I come back to my senses or the present, and realize how I have reacted to things, because of my sick pleasure.... i am uncertain of what to do next. Its hard to fix things that have been fucked up by your emotional motions.
Whew...its a lot to take in. And even now, though they say that its important and good to be aware of it. It seems difficult to come apart from it. Maybe if I am not too keen on fixing. Maybe if I can just be aware of it. That it is the start. I just hope that I wont keep putting myself into bad situations, and hurtful situations. I hope that one day I will be able to be free of it. And live peacefully.
I feel better now. I am dying to write back to him....but I will accept what i said. And I will try to move away from it.