Its sort of like...taking everything you love...and...making it the hardest thing to do.
I don't know. Possibly, i'm different. Just so different from everyone else. Everyone seems to be so happy. And they explain to me how i need to move on..get happy. But how can you be happy? When everything that you knew that made you happy seems to be stripped of you?
I can't seem to get a grip on the things that I like to do. I've found the things that I love, are now my worst enemies. Being a music lover...I can listen to music all day long. As I put on a Billie Holiday track, or Ella, or Mariah Carey...Or even these dumb hip hop tracks...everything reminds me of him.
Have you ever realized how many songs are about breaking up, moving on, falling in love, having sex..everything..everything..everything is just overtaking my heart.
Even sex, its pleasurable...but torturous at the same time. All i think about is him, making love to him, and i think about him making love to others...and so i am enjoying sex, coming into my own fulfillment...and it almost gives me tears of pain. Because I miss him so much.
Today, he wrote back to me. Basically asking me if I could wait. And waiting....?
I feel as if waiting is even tougher. And to ask me to wait, makes me feel like he just doesn't want me now. Cause I want him now, not later. I mean..i want him later too...but i want him now.
And my head goes into the conclusions that he doesn't want me now..like how i want him.
I feel like i don't belong in this world. My love is consuming, jealous, obsessive, selfish, hopeless....
My love is painful...too overbearing for me to even handle.
I feel like i identify more with the women of the past. Watching Macbeth yesterday, or working on Antony and Cleopatra. I identify with these fictitious characters..more than any woman that I know today. I understand love to be compassionate...mine...and if not what and how I want it to be...then I feel like its over. There is no need for me to live. More than my career and money...I want to leave this world in love. Love is all that I can take with me when its all over. Not money....and not my career.
So the question lies for me now, what is my next move?
Do I keep trying to get him back? Or do I just leave it alone?
I can't really try to get someone to love me and be with me, if they are not willing to.
So, its time to move on. Thinking about what girls he may behaving sex with is difficult as well. It kills me to know the truth...well i don't even know the truth. I made a pact with myself that if he did have sex with someone else, that i wouldn't even try anymore. I would move on. I don't know. That is a reality that I am probably not ready to face.
A lot of my friends say that maybe i'm not ready for a relationship right now. But, i disagree. I think no one is on my level of commitment, of love, of respect. I know that i have my flaws, and i would be working on them for the rest of my life...but whether i'm capable of being in a relationship that works....i think my friends are wrong. I think I am a great girlfriend. Before this guy, I was single for a long time, and I try to conduct myself in a very respectful manner...which to me means..sleeping around is a no no. Its not that I don't want to do it. But, what is more important to me than getting my sex in, is how i'm going to feel about myself when its all over. And when its all over...i'd prefer to have the hottest sex, with one person, that I am really in love with and that loves me back. I think i would be wonderful for someone. But, I am single now. Possibly, i'm just better off single...until I can find someone who can meet me halfway.
This is going to possibly one of the hardest things for me that i have ever tried to do...to try to move on...and to find the good in the things that i love again. Possibly, as time goes on...i can find new things...and i can find the ME in the things that I used to love, before he came along.
I think, if I can accomplish things. Then I may able to enjoy a new and improved me. But for now, and for the time being...just being able to get through the day is fine. Just being able to accomplish not writing to him, or talking to him would be a great accomplishment. My goals these days are to do just that. And when i know i'm ready for another new goal. I'll definetly switch up my game.
Till next time...