Monday, February 7, 2011


In Me.

"Wallowing in self-pity is a horrifying pleasure. But it is not good for me. And now that I am aware of it, I want to examine it, I want to record every negative thought I have...maybe i will do that.

I want to discover my thought process...and how it is not benefitting me. By living through the pain, but this time being aware of what i am doing.

its all so much for me to grasp right now, but...i feel a change is a coming. And its not for anyone, myself and I. May we live in peace." - kboug


I am so proud of myself.. After reading some old entries from April 2008 and remembering that year at age 22-23, I was in such a horrible state of mind.. OMG! Today there was a moment when I had to run away from the computer screen... the tears just kept falling because I started to remember that old feeling, when I had lost my bf, and my friends. I was so alone...but it was the best thing for me. Because I learned that I could have very bad times, and still survive. I am a survivor.

I also realized, that even though I was surrounded by not so great people, my biggest enemy was myself and my thoughts.

I remember that time very clearly. Most of those first entries when I felt like the world was falling on top of me.. I would wallow in chinese fried chicken and french fries. Or I would have Mcdonalds for days. I drank soda regularly. I was and still am an EMOTIONAL EATER!

It is the comfort that the food brought to me. The loneliness went away for a mere second. And it was relieving because I was feeling so many negative things. It pains me to remember how much I hated myself, and how much I depended on what others thought of me to dictate what I thought of myself!

Out of all of my old entries, the one that stuck out like a sore thumb was this one

No one was telling me I was pretty. In fact everyone was telling me I wasn't. And I was believing them! Its so hurtful...

But what I take from it now, was how I allowed food to help me through it. I recognize that then & now I HAVE A HORRIBLE RELATIONSHIP with food.

Much has evolved since those years in my early 20's. But there are still some things that are necessary to address.

Now, I do have moments where I eat out of emotion. Not as much as before, but it is still present. What is very factual is that I've established very bad habits. Very very bad habits.Its time to exempt the negativity out of my path, and recognize the spiritual journey that I am going to have to take in order to get this weight loss thing back in control.


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1 comment:

Ayesha Monique said...

I love this post. IDK what else to say lol